i'm getting my life back

today i woke up exhausted. more so then normal. i could hear my baby girl crying out for me. but i struggled to pry my eyes open. when i finally got her up my arms hurt carrying her. i turned on a show for her to watch while she ate breakfast because its the only sure way i know how to get her to eat a good meal. if she is distracted she'll eat. so she watched some daniel tiger and i stuffed her face with eggs that my dad had made earlier. 

my sweet boy woke up and again i was exhausted. i let him play in his crib for a bit and finally got him up. his big smiles helped me get a little more excited about the fact that both of my kids were awake at the same time (something that usually makes me nervous...am i allowed to admit that?). after baths for both kids i got wells down for his first nap. 

i quickly jumped in the shower myself only to have gwen pop in every few seconds to say hi or want to touch the running water. after i heard her yelling "help you" (her way of saying she needs me) i got out. took a few minutes to check instagram on my phone and then i quickly got ready. mostly just got dressed and did my hair. gwen decided i shouldn't do make up today. most days lately i've skipped the make-up. 

i got gwen settled playing in the play room and i sat down to my computer. i started reading a random blog about moms and their unique experiences. one had cancer. one has suffered through a horrible experience. all the while gwen kept calling me to "sit" or "help you". at one point she crawled up on my lap and walked to draw. i got her a pen and paper but that wasn't enough. she wanted me to draw with her. i quickly drew a sun and a rainbow...about the extent of my drawing abilities and then let her finish on her own. she grew tired of that fast and wanted down. 

while i was sitting there reading about these other moms the distinct thought  came to my mind "get off your computer and go play with your daughter". i justified it a bit and thought i'd go play with her in a minute. so i kept looking...she kept calling for me. finally i got that thought again "just shut down the computer and go play with your daughter". so i did.

i turned my computer off and went to play with her. but she didn't really want me to play with her. she just wanted me to sit. i kept thinking "i wish i had my phone", "what time is it", "when is it nap time". i was just sitting there. not playing, just watching gwen play. but for some reason that is what she wanted. she just wanted me there. to watch her, to help her every once in awhile, to just be there with her. 

somewhere in the past few years, between babies and busy schedules i've lost a little bit of myself. i've lost myself to things that don't matter. like instagram, facebook and just technology in general. i find myself checking social media all the time. checking the time every few minutes and checking for updates even more often. i spend countless minutes looking at and reading about other peoples lives. sometimes people i don't even know. the minute i think i want something i jump online and add it to my amazon cart. if i have a question i'll jump online and look it up. there is no waiting anymore. i've stopped exercising, stopped reading, stopped sewing and crafting. 

a few weeks ago i came across a friends blog and inspired me to be better. she and her husband had decided to let go of things that were holding them back. i haven't been able to let that go. i want to do the same thing. but i find myself saying "i'll start on monday, or in july, or when we move into our place". 

but today i realized i can't wait. i can't wake up this exhausted again. i can't waste more time with my babies. 

so starting right now i'm getting my life back. my self back. 

i'm setting strict rules for myself. no phone in my pocket when i'm at home. no checking social media while the kids are awake or when i'm with spence. no sweets/dessert on weekdays. exercising every day...even if it's just 5 minutes. going to bed at a decent hour. reading my scriptures first thing in the morning. only two amazon orders a month (if that). read one book a month. these are just a few. 

i've also decided to go off all social media for july. to be honest i'm terrified to do this. i'm terrified because i've been using social media to make friends in our new neighborhood and through the peds program. terrified that i won't be able to do it. but i want to prove to myself that i can do it. i want to show the lord and my family that social media isn't my world. that there are more important things than staying "connected" to the virtual world. i want to connect to the real world. to my world! 

so wish me luck. i'm excited to see change. i need to see change. 

this picture was taken in front of the chicago temple a few weeks before we moved. spencer was trying to teach gwen to jump, all while holding wells! i love it because this is my world, the gospel and these 3. i want to give my world my all. this picture serves as my reminder of what i want and what i'm working towards!