Tuesday, February 5, 2013

my pickle juice


i've been thinking about this a lot lately. 
and i think i've been downing a bit too much pickle juice lately. 


the other day i found out through blogs and the facebook that 4 of my friends are pregnant. 4 people i know decided to share their happy news with the world on the same day. 

honestly, my first reactions weren't so great. 
i should have been happy, excited for my friends, and overjoyed that they were having babies. 
but instead i was angry, jealous and confused. i was honestly having a good day. but then it turned into a not so great day (i feel really bad for spence for having to put up with me). thoughts ran through my mind "why them and not me", "they don't know the pain of waiting" etc...

then the other night i decided i didn't like this side of me. i sat there and went through the facts....

- i am at a stage in life where most of my friends will start having babies. this is an exciting time. it isn't a surprise that so many friends are pregnant. honestly this is where spence and i want to be. so it's fun, it's growing, it's happy. i can't pretend like others don't want the same thing we want...a family.

- i am not the only woman out there who desperately wants to get pregnant but can't. this past year has taught me that. i am not alone. i have countless friends who have similar struggles to me. they must hurt as well. i can't dig myself a pity party hole and sit in it. if anything this is a time to not be alone in this.

- along those lines i can't assume that my pregnant friends just woke up one day and decided "hey i want to be pregnant today". for all i know they struggled to get pregnant. they felt the pain and heartache that i have felt. i should be more than excited for them. just because someone struggles and someone doesn't, doesn't mean the outcome is more or less exciting and cause for celebration. 

- being pregnant isn't always fun. i would know. i've been pregnant before. a couple of times actually. i know the excitement of getting a positive test. i know the panic that comes. the worry "can we pay for everything" "are we really ready" "what kind of world will my baby grow up in" "will i be able to handle zero sleep" "will my baby keep growing inside okay". i know morning sickness, i know the feeling of seeing baby for the first time. seeing the heartbeat. having a little secret no one else knows. but boy do i know the stress. the worry. the scared feelings. just because my friends are posting about their exciting news doesn't mean they are happy 100% of the time. i should know that.

-just because others are pregnant and i am not does not mean i am not loved by my heavenly father. it does not mean they will be better mothers than i will. it does not mean i am less of a woman. it does not mean he trusts them more. it does not mean they have more capacity to love than i do. i am loved. i am going to be a great mother one day. i can love. i am a strong woman. i am trusted. 

-the fact is, envying another's happiness will not make me happy. being upset, jealous, and angry that a friend is pregnant will not make me pregnant. i am in control of my feelings. i am in control of my reactions. 

i didn't like the feelings that i had the other day. i didn't like what i did to the spirit in my home or my relationship with spence. 

so i'm done. i'm done with being angry when i find out a friend is expecting. i'm done asking my heavenly father "why them and not me". 

i am going to be happy. i am going to rejoice in the fact that a sweet baby gets to come into a good home. i am going to rejoice in knowing my friends will be incredible mothers. i am going to remember that i am loved. i am going to hold on to the fact that in the lords time it will be my turn. one day it will be my turn to tell the world my exciting news. 

no more pickle juice for me. i have so much to be thankful for. so much to be happy about. i do feel god's rewards for my labors. 

and for today that is enough. 

"My beloved brothers and sisters, what happened in this story at 9:00 or noon or 3:00 is swept up in the grandeur of the universally generous payment at the end of the day. The formula of faith is to hold on, work on, see it through, and let the distress of earlier hours—real or imagined—fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t dwell on old issues or grievances—not toward yourself nor your neighbor nor even, I might add, toward this true and living Church. The majesty of your life, of your neighbor’s life, and of the gospel of Jesus Christ will be made manifest at the last day, even if such majesty is not always recognized by everyone in the early going. So don’t hyperventilate about something that happened at 9:00 in the morning when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6:00 in the evening—whatever your labor arrangements have been through the day.
Which leads me to my third and last point. This parable—like all parables—is not really about laborers or wages any more than the others are about sheep and goats. This is a story about God’s goodness, His patience and forgiveness, and the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a story about generosity and compassion. It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it."
-Elder Holland



25 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for the struggles you're going through right now Syd. I too have felt feelings of jealousy towards the hundreds (ha 22) of ladies I know who are pregnant. Keep your chin up, you will definitely be an amazing mama one day!! Thanks for this post, loved it. Needed it.

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    1. Dani! Thanks cute girl for your comment. That means the world to me.

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  2. Absolutely loved this post Syd! I was doing the same thing when I would see friends posting about buying a house or going on an exotic trip. I would get so upset and so negative. My goal for this year is to remember to have a positive attitude about everything I'm blessed with and to try to be happy for everyone else. Heavenly Father does love us and blesses us each with what we need at the time we truly need it. Love you!

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    1. I totally get you on that one! I like your goal a lot...I think I'm going to steal it! Thanks so much for your comment!

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  3. Hi. You don't know me. I live in Galveston with Katelyn Anderson and found your blog on hers. Ironically I was also roommates with Stacey Gataullin right before she got married. Anyway, I have been reading your blog for awhile (it is better than doing my homework). I loved your blog post today and I just wanted to tell you that. My husband and I have also been struggling with infertility and as the months and months have gone by I have found it harder and harder to not get bitter or jealous as girl after girl announces they are pregnant especially when I do know they haven't been trying very long. In fact yesterday I had a day very similar to yours. Thanks for articulating so well how it feels and the kind of attitude we need. Thanks!

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    1. Jennifer, thanks so much for your comment. It meant so much to me. I love how small the world its, you know Katelyn and Stacey (both my freshman roommates...love them). I am so sorry you have been struggling with infertility...it is not fun. I hope you are doing well and know you are loved! Maybe one of these days well understand the reason for things. Thanks again for your comment! Made my day!

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  4. Girl, I love this. I think a lot of us think that...we're women! It's TOTALLY & COMPLETELY normal. This will all make sense one day. And I really like the person you are :)

    we&serendipity

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  5. Hi. I go to Katelyn Anderson's ward and found your blog on hers. Ironically, I was also Stacey Gataullin's roommate right before she got married. I have been reading your blog for awhile (it beats studying for STEP) and just felt I should comment today. My husband and I have also been struggling with infertility and it has become harder and harder as time goes by to not get bitter or jealous when girl after girl announces they are pregnant, some of whom I know for sure didn't try more than a couple of times. I actually had a day yesterday similar to yours and had my own little pity party. I wanted to thank you for writing this post. It is something I am trying to do too. Thanks for putting an eternal and positive perspective on it.

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  6. Perfect post! And so needed! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It helps so much and provided great insight!

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  7. Go Sydney! You are one strong woman!

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  8. So, this may seem stalker-ish...we don't know each other, but a mutual friend has sent me to your blog because she thought I could find comfort hearing that I'm not alone. I too have been desperately trying to have a baby for a long time now. Your posts about this subject are so beautifully phrased and EXACTLY how I feel. This post especially was good for me to read today. Thank you for your honesty and for your words. I'm trying so hard to not drink anymore pickle juice ;) this was a good way to renew that.

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    1. Haha so not stalkerish! I love "meeting" people in the blogger world. I'm glad a mutual friend sent you my way. For some reason there is a lot of strength in knowing I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you for your comment, it's comments like these that help me keep going each day!

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  9. Oh Sydney. I feel like I can relate so completely! It's been four years for us and I feel like my heart has softened a bit with time, but it's definitely a process. It's hard not to feel guilty when you have your hard days, but it helps to hear about your struggles with the same thing and know I'm not alone. Sending love and baby dust. :)

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    1. You are the cutest! Thank you for sending "baby dust"...love that. I'm glad to hear that time helps. I find each day I feel stronger and stronger, it's still not easy but I'm not alone! Thanks for being such a great friend and support through all this.

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  10. You are such a great example to me! I am impress with you lady, you can do it!

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  11. love this post sydney. such a great reminder, i pinned it! ;) also thanks for being so candid, you are strong.

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  12. I am so proud to be your mommy here on earth!

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  13. i am amazed at the woman you are and I read each of these comments so far and how you have already been able to reach those who have never even met you. What an amazing purpose you have and what an incredible path you are on even if it is not the chosen path and even if the purpose is a little unknown (to you).

    I have been drinking gallons of pickle juice lately for lots of different reasons but I am so glad you posted this and I am ready to stop chugging so much juice and start to focus on the joys in life and not the continuous sorrows that are inevitable.

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  14. Oh, Syd, this is beautiful. You are awesome. Love you!!!!

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  15. I had no idea about your struggles. I have a friend who has been blessed with pregnancy twice and then lost it both times as well. She has been battling a lot of emotions especially with two of her best friends pregnant and the rest of the FB world pregnant as well. I can't imagine how tough that is and I pray that all women who want to desperately have a baby can. I always believe that they will but that it's just at God's time even though sometimes we're frustrated with his timing.

    Beautiful post and many prayers for you!

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  16. Sydney I respect you for sharing this aspect of your private life, and I think you are a strong woman!

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  17. Beautifully written. Sending love your way! I too have felt those exact feelings and they are so hard to conquer. Looking back, I can honestly say that the time we struggled to have a baby was one of the most tender times in my life. I felt closer to my Savior than ever before. Keep on going!

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  18. Oh Syd, this was such a beautifully written post. You are such a strong and amazing woman. I really look up to you in everything you do! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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  19. Such an awesome post sis. You are strong and Heavenly Father loves you very much. You are always in my prayers. Love you

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  20. Hi,

    We're the Knoells and we have started our own blog dealing with our journey through infertility.

    We have found a lot of help and useful content on your blog and we wanted to link to your site within ours, so that our followers can find the additional help and comfort we found on your page.

    I wanted to ask permission to link to your site, as well as invite you to do so with ours.

    Our webpage is http://www.bebraveinfertilityjourney.com

    Thanks again!
    -Jason and Katie Knoell

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