gwendolyn elizabeth...two months

so this post is just a few weeks old but i didn't want to pass up the chance to post an update on our gwennie girl! 

our sweet gwen turned two months on august 24th. i can't believe how fast the time has gone. of course we had to pull out the camera and do a little two month photo shoot. one of these days my picture taking skills will improve. until then this is what we have to work with.

gwen at two months:

-this little girl is still the light in our lives. she is so much fun to be around.

-she has started smiling and it's the sweetest thing. mornings are her prime smile time

-at her two month appointment (a couple of weeks late) she weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 20.25 inches long

-she is eating like a champ. she will down a 4 oz bottle no problem.

-she doesn't love tummy time but loves to fall asleep on her tummy when laying on dads chest

-she loves her mammaroo and it has saved us a time or two

-she has just started to notice objects and has started to coo at them (melt my heart cute)

-she loves her daddy and lights up when he gets home

-she is still in her newborn clothes. every once in a while we pretend she is big and put on a 0-3 outfit. 

-she flew on her first plane after her two month birthday and she was a champ

-she has had some major issues with gas. we're working on this one

-she still loves to be talked to and sang to. its our favorite time of the day just chatting together

-lately she is loving her "alone" time. i'll put her in her crib or lay her on the floor and she will just smile and coo for 20 or so minutes.

-she still loves her bink. maybe one day she'll discover her hands and go for the thumb suck. until then we consider the bink our best friend.

-for the most part she only cries if she is tried, hungry or gassy.

-she is sleeping 5-7 hours at night and we couldn't be happier about that

-she is still the sweetest little thing

we are loving seeing her little personality come out. i have a feeling we are in for some adventures with this little one but i couldn't be more excited to see what she throws at us. 

nine months in one post

i didn't do so great about documenting my pregnancy on this blog while i was pregnant. i guess i had a lot on my mind ;-) i'm now settling in and figured i'd play some good ol' catch up starting with the last nine months of my growing belly. 

 weeks 12-20:

i started showing really early on. i'm not sure if it's because this was my forth pregnancy or because i'm short and baby had no where to go but my belly started sticking out around week 10. i got my first pair of maternity pants during christmas break. i couldn't really fill them out but having the stretchy band felt so much better. dang you bloated belly! 

from there i just kept growing and growing. honestly i couldn't get enough of my growing belly. every week i felt bigger and bigger. funny but at week 20 i didn't think i could get any bigger. oh was i wrong!

weeks 21-29

my belly just kept growing and growing. i finally started putting on weight during these few weeks. after not gaining much in my first trimester it was difficult for me to get on the scale. at one dr.'s appointment my cute dr said "i was worried about your weight gain, you weren't gaining enough...now i'm not worried". yeah i jumped up and i jumped up fast. i knew my belly was special but it was also hard feeling so big and not so beautiful. i know a lot of girls try not to wear maternity clothes but i was not one of them. i couldn't fit into my non-maternity things but honestly having maternity clothes helped me feel a little better about myself. they helped me embrace the bump!

weeks 30 to 35

my last trimester flew by. of course part of that was due to the fact that i didn't have 5 weeks of if but still, it went by fast. it was week 30 that i really started to puff up. my feet, hands and face started swelling. my face got so swollen that my teeth started to move. i didn't even know that was possible. my smile looked off as well. i truly didn't feel like myself. that was one of the hardest things. my feet were so puffy i could wear one pair of flip-flops. i wore those poor things out ;-) i put on almost twenty pounds in these last few weeks. it was so crazy seeing the scale go up a few pounds everyday. most all of this weight was water weight due to my preeclampsia. i felt huge and ugly at the time...now i'm just blown away i was so big and swollen and didn't even realize it. when i was in utah all my family was so worried because i was so swollen....i should have listened ;-) 

i love looking back and seeing the progression of my sweet gwen growing in my belly. this was something i had a hard time thinking i would ever experience. despite all the hard things that come with pregnancy i am so grateful to be able to experience all of it. 

the bug is 7 weeks

this little bug was 7 weeks old on tuesday. i can't believe time is going so fast. everyday she seems so much bigger to me. we are sure in love with our gwennie girl. 

she is still in her newborn clothes. i've tried some 0-3 month outfits and they are huge on her. honestly though i'm not sure how much longer she will be in newborn. we also still have her in newborn diapers but have started putting her in 1's at night. we have about 10 newborn diapers left and then i think we'll start using the 1's. 

she is a great little eater and has started getting faster and faster. much to my delight! we're still on a pretty set every 3 hour feeding during the day and 4 hours at night. i keep hoping she'll give us longer at night...maybe one of these days ;-)

gwen has started to make eye contact with us and every once in a while we'll get a really cute half smile. i keep waiting for the day we get a full blown smile out of her. she does love to smile right after she eats and is in the "milk drunk" stage. it's super cute. 

she loves to cuddle and will fall asleep as soon as she gets cuddled up to you. it makes getting anything done almost impossible but i wouldn't change that for the world. 

happy 7 weeks gwennie girl! 

gwennie girl is growing

(click the picture to see it bigger)

our gwennie girl is getting so big i can't even stand it! i'll do a good update soon but in the mean time here is a little week by week update. obviously my photography skills need some help. i'm working on that one i promise. 

it is so fun to see how much she changes in just a week. her little personality is coming through more and more each day. all i can say is that we're in for a treat with this little bug. i think she has some big plans for life and we're just along for the ride. i wouldn't want it any other way ;-) 

and then i wasn't pregnant anymore....

(this was the last picture taken of me while i was pregnant...this was sunday, the day before i went into the hospital to have gwen. i was 34 weeks and 5 days pregnant in this picture. i will  always treasure this picture)

it has been almost 7 weeks since i was last pregnant. and i've missed it every day since.

i've thought about writing a pregnancy post for some time now. for months i wrote and rewrote my thoughts on pregnancy in my head. but, every time i would sit down to actually type them out i couldn't do it. it just didn't feel right. the weeks went by but i still couldn't write down my thoughts and feelings. for some reason talking about my pregnancy while i was pregnant was too special. it was still too much mine that i couldn't share.

but somehow, weeks later i still have the desire to talk about pregnancy and this time i want to share.....

it's funny but one of the comments that i received most after having gwen 5 weeks early was "at least you got out of pregnancy 5 weeks early" or something along those lines. you would think that i would feel that way. relief that i was done being pregnant. relief that i could finally just hold my baby in my arms instead of in my ribs. but although i did love having her in my arms i didn't feel relief that i wasn't pregnant. instead i felt cheated and robbed. 

before i got pregnant the first time i thought i had it all figured out. i'm not sure why but i always thought i would have an easy pregnancy. interestingly most of my pregnancies were different from one another (i've heard this is common though). my pregnancy with gwen though...this was far from what i expected.

it wasn't easy. like not at all. i got super sick really early on and it didn't go away. my "morning sickness" was an all day sickness that lasted well into my second trimester. and even then it never truly went away. i was nauseated all the way up to week 34. i had told myself i wouldn't complain. that i had asked for this. but to be completely honest i did complain. because it was hard. it was hard throwing up countless times a day. it was hard not feeling like myself. it was hard not wanting to eat but having to eat every 10 mins. 

now i know this was due to my preeclampsia but i also swelled up like a crazy lady. right around week 30 i woke up to swollen hands and feet. and they didn't stop. i started gaining weight like crazy and stopped being able to fit into all of my shoes and most of my clothes (even my maternity things). my face swelled up so much so that my teeth started moving. i didn't even know that was possible. my hands got so swollen that i had pregnancy carpal tunnel and even got to a point where i couldn't write. opening the milk every morning hurt so bad it made me cry. 

and then on top of all of this my hormones were going crazy (not unusual i know) and i found myself from one extreme to the other almost daily. i would cry for no reason or be angry for some silly little thing. 

but despite all of this. all the pain, sickness and mood swings i still wasn't ready to be done being pregnant. 

though i was big, tired and in pain i never got to the point of pregnancy where i was ready to be done. that point that every women talks about. i was mentally planning on 5-7 more weeks of pregnancy. i was ready for 5 to 7 more weeks of pregnancy. 

so when i woke up the day after having gwen and i looked at my sad empty belly i cried. 

i cried because i couldn't feel her kick me anymore. 

i cried because i couldn't hold my belly and know there was a sweet baby girl inside anymore.

i cried because i didn't know what it felt like to go into labor.

i cried because i didn't know the rush and excitement of "hey honey my water just broke".

i cried because i wasn't pregnant anymore and i still wanted to be. 

maybe it was all the medicine i was on. or all the hormones (again with the hormones...gosh these dang things). but i truly mourned the loss of my pregnancy. it didn't seem fair to me that i had to struggle so much to get pregnant and then experience what i had just gone through. 

every time someone would comment "at least you got off the hook early" my thought would be "but i didn't want to be off the hook early". but instead i would laugh and respond "yeah i'm lucky". though i didn't feel lucky inside. 

i think deep down i have this fear that i won't get pregnant again. that deep down this was my one and only chance and i wasn't able to completely experience it. i think most of these thoughts come from struggling with recurrent miscarriages and infertility. or maybe it's just my own crazy self. 

i kept most of these feelings to myself. honestly i felt horrible feeling this way. of course i was so beyond happy gwen was in our lives. and i wouldn't have traded all the time we've had with her for anything. but yet i still struggled. 

until one sunday i was talking to a dear friend. she also struggled with infertility and she also had preeclampsia with her first and she felt the same way. she told me it was okay to be sad. and that it was okay to mourn the fact that i wasn't pregnant anymore. 

so i did just that.

i went home and i mourned. i cried and i told my heavenly father how sad and mad i was. i told him that i felt cheated. how could my body do this to me? how could it struggle so much to stay pregnant in the beginning only to struggle again in the end? how could my body kick my sweet baby out early and cause her little life to be in danger?

and again, just like how i was reminded after one of my miscarriages, i was reminded that it wasn't about me. it was about her. it was about her little life and her plan. gwen needed to come when she did. i needed her to come when she did. and that was what mattered. 

every once in a while i feel a pang of sadness that i'm not still pregnant. when i see a cute lady with a little baby bump i feel slightly jealous. but then i tell myself to have faith. have faith that i can indeed do this again. that i can get pregnant again and experience all the ups and downs of pregnancy.

so now i get to go back to cuddling my sweet little peanut and remind myself that i will one day morn the loss of the newborn stage. and that it's okay. but also to learn to enjoy each step along the way. 

and those are my thoughts on pregnancy. 

gwendolyn elizabeth....1 month

our little gwennie girl is officially one month old today! where in the world has this past month gone?

we are completely in love with our little gwen and can't imagine life without her. she is our constant entertainment. we mostly just sit and look at her all day.

gwen at one month:

-she is still our little peanut. at her last appointment she was 5 lbs 8 oz. but she had gained about an oz a day...which is a big deal.

-she spent her first 11 days of life in the nicu but was treated like a little queen there. all the drs and nurses said gwen was their favorite.

-she grunts and squeaks like crazy. we like to call her our little squeaker toy. at night we'll hear her grunt and go in to check and she is out...just likes to talk to us in her sleep. my favorite is when we get a bink in her and she grunts it sounds like she is talking to us.

-she sleeps in her crib at night. after two nights in our room with her grunts and squeaks we moved her to her own room.

-she doesn't hate tummy time but it isn't her favorite. she loves when dad will lay next to her and talk to her while on her tummy. she has managed to roll over back to her back a few times.

-she loves to eat. that is one thing she has been great at since the beginning.

-she hates her vitamins (because she was a premie we have to give her some multi vitamins daily) but we started putting them in a bottle with some milk and she does a lot better.

-she loves just hanging out on a blanket. she loves to move her arms and legs like crazy.

-the moment she gets in her car seat she is out. it's the perfect napping spot for her.

-she grew out of her premie clothes and diapers at 3 1/2 weeks. i cried as i put her little things away. newborn clothes are still a bit big but we manage.

-her eyes are getting lighter each day. we're both hoping she has blue eyes. we'll see! 

-she loves to be talked to. she is perfectly content to just sit and listen to us. spence loves to read to her and i love seeing her cute reaction to his voice. 

-she is a content happy baby and we couldn't be more grateful!

we are loving getting to know our sweet gwen's personality.  she brings such a beautiful light to our home. she has caused us both to slow down and focus on the most important things in life. can't wait to see what month two brings! 

it all started on a normal monday....

our lives completely changed on a tuesday. june 24th we welcomed our sweet baby girl to our family. everything started the day before. just a normal monday....

i had just returned from a trip to utah for work and to visit family. a couple of weeks before my feet, hands and face started swelling.  my dr wasn't too worried about the swelling but noticed my blood pressure was a little high at my previous appointment. i honestly didn't think too much about it. 

monday june 23rd i woke up and planned to get to work early. as it turns out i wasn't feeling so great. i worked from home for a bit and headed downtown when i started feeling better. i decided to drive. i had big plans to clean out my office and get prepared "just in case" baby decided to come a little early. haha

i had my normal 35 week drs appointment scheduled for 1:30pm. spence was able to get an hour lunch break so we decided to do a quick lunch before my appointment. i took my time getting to my appointment because last time i rushed and i had the high blood pressure. i was trying to avoid that scare (haha). i met up with spence and we grabbed a quick lunch at the hospital (luckily the hospital has a pretty great italian lunch spot that is great...my last meal for a long time). spence didn't have a ton of time but decided to come up with me to my dr.'s appointment. at least to hear baby girls heartbeat. looking back now this was a little blessing that he was able to come with me.

we got in pretty fast and the nurse took my urine sample (tmi???) and my blood pressure. it quickly became clear to us that she wasn't happy with my results. she rushed out and told us the dr would be in soon. my normal dr was on vacation in italy (so jealous) but luckily for us our favorite back up was available! dr chaudhari came in just a few mins later. she was worried about my high blood pressure and the protein in my urine. both signs of preeclampsia. 

some background....my mom had preeclampsia with my brother. it can sometimes run in a family so it had been in the back of my mind my entire pregnancy. when i started swelling up and gaining weight like crazy i started to think this might be an issue for me. 

we asked dr. chaudhari what this all meant. basically we were to go to triage and get monitored. depending on how things looked we could have our baby in 24-48 hours. honestly i felt fine. i really didn't expect us to have our baby girl. plus we were so not ready...our house was a mess, we didn't have hospital bags packed, we didn't even have a carseat (which ironically was our family home evening activity scheduled for that night). basically we were not ready for baby girl. i still had 5 weeks (at least). 

on our short walk to triage i turned to spence and asked him if he really thought it was possible for us to have a baby in the next 24 hours. his response...."yeah i think it's a good possibility". mine...."yeah right". 

to make a long story not as long we spent the next 7 hours in triage. my blood pressure was checked every 15 mins (i'm surprised i still have an arm after all of that) and baby girl was monitored. luckily she was doing great. me on the other hand not so great. they officially told me i had preeclampsia with severe features. basically things were not getting better. i honestly felt great though. i just wanted to go home, pack my hospital bags, stop at target and pick up some diapers and then go back. apparently the dr.'s didn't feel the same way. 

while in triage our sweet bishop came down to visit and he and spence gave me the most beautiful blessing. even though the situation was not great i was filled with the calm assurance that everything would be okay. at this point I knew our little girl was coming and that she would be okay. 

they finally decided to take us up to labor and delivery. at this point my mom had booked a flight and was on her way to chicago. the dr came in and quickly decided that baby girl needed to come out. we were so not prepared for this. i had big plans to have a natural birth. we had bigger plans to be prepared haha! 

at this point both of our phones were basically dead. spence was still in his scrubs and white coat and i had left our car at work. our good friends came to our rescue. they brought us phone chargers, a hair tie (my hair was driving me nuts), and picked up our car. what a blessing having friends that are basically family to come to our rescue (thanks david and katie!). 

we settled in for a long night of labor. i was scared to have them induce me. i had heard stories of how intense the process was and the pain involved. because of my high blood pressure i was put on medicine to avoid seizures. the meds were so intense that i was put on bed rest. this meant every "comfort measure" i had planned on went out the door. 

they started me on oxytocin about 10pm on monday night. it honestly wasn't as bad as i expected. 

my mom made it to the hospital around 12:30am. i had started progressing but just slowly. we spent the next few hours just passing the time. i tried to sleep but of course couldn't sleep. my nurse finally came in and told me they were going to break my water. at this point i decided to get an epidural. my contractions we getting more intense but honestly i was more afraid of having my water break without it. 

i got the epidural and they broke my water and at this point i was only at a 3. i think this was around 5am. honestly time didn't really exist for me. they came in to check me again around 7am and i was only at a 3.5. i asked the nurses how long it could take and they said maybe by late afternoon. i so did not what to be in labor that long. 

shortly after  though i started to feel some intense pain. i had the urge to push and decided to call my nurses back in. of course they thought i was a little crazy and told me that if the pressure was constant to call them again. 

after about 3 more minutes i couldn't take it. the pressure was intense and constant. i called them back. they called the resident in and sure enough i had gone from a 3.5 to a 10 in just a short time. i was ready to push. 

pushing was nothing like i expected. i guess i didn't know what to expect but it was hard, intense and wonderful. i felt so much more than i expected to feel with the epidural. my wonderful nurse counted me through each contraction. because of her i was able to stay calm and push my little bug out. 

after about 20 mins of pushing baby girl came right out! the nicu team was in there ready to check her out. i had wanted to do skin to skin but because of how early she was and her size they needed to take her first.

i remember just watching them on the side of the room with my baby girl. she finally started crying and so did i. spence and i just watched as they checked her out. i sat there just waiting to hear how big she was. finally they wrapped her up and brought her over to us. i was able to hold her for just a few mins. she was so tiny and so perfect. i couldn't believe our sweet baby girl was in my arms. they finally told us she was 4 pounds 8 ounces. i couldn't believe our gwen was so little but so perfect. 

we could only hold her for just a few minutes. they were worried about her breathing and needed to get her to the nicu. because of all the medicine they had me on i was kinda out of it. i didn't really know what was going on as they took her away. 

finally spence got word that she only had to have help breathing for 10 mins. her little lungs were doing great! 

because of how sudden everything had happened we didn't have anything with us (expect two borrowed phone chargers). after all day monday in triage and labor all night i felt like a mess. i wanted a shower to wash my hair. sadly i couldn't shower because of the meds and everything else that had happened. but, my two sweet nurses figured out a way to wash my hair. they wheeled me into the bathroom and together washed my hair for me. they combed it out after and helped me brush my teeth before heading up to the recovery room. i am so grateful for my incredible nurses who would take the time to wash my hair for me! it made me feel so much more alive and normal! 

we were able to stop in the nicu on our way up to recovery to see baby girl one more time. i didn't have a ton of time with her but it was such a miracle looking at our tiny bean! we were both completely in love with her from the first second. 

i had to stay on the meds for the next 24 hours. this meant i wasn't allowed to get out of bed. because of this i couldn't see my sweet baby girl again. she was on a floor down in the nicu and i was stuck in bed. the next 24 hours were some of the hardest i've had to experience. with a little scare because of a 

hemorrhage (long story.....we'll go there another time) i was watched even more closely and they made sure i didn't leave my bed...ugh! 

spence and my mom were able to go down and be with gwen which made me feel a little better. luckily i had some more incredible nurses who watched out for me and hung out with me during those long hours.

finally i was able to get off the meds, stand up, shower, eat and see my baby girl! 

we spent the next two days going between my recovery room for my blood pressure checks and pumping sessions (oh the joys) and visiting gwen in the nicu. we had big hopes that she would be able to go home with us but sadly our little one needed more time in the nicu. i was discharged late thursday night (you know i stayed till the very last minute!) 

baby girl spent the next 11 days in the nicu. it was a long couple of weeks but also pretty amazing. we had some of the most spiritual moments in our little nicu room. the spirit was so strong in her room. we knew she was never truly alone when we weren't there to cuddle her. gwen needed to come when she did and she made it clear she was going to be okay for us :-) 

in just a matter of a day our life changed completely. gwen became the most important thing to us. my job didn't matter anymore, school didn't matter anymore. it was all about our baby  girl and making sure she was okay. (and luckily both my job and the mr's school felt the same way and were SO great to us in letting us just be with gwen). 

the past 2 and a half weeks have been completely life changing and beautiful. i can't imagine my life without gwen. she is our family. she is our little fighter and all star. she was the most popular little bug in the nicu and honestly couldn't be more perfect. 

so our life changed on a tuesday and we couldn't imagine it any other way! 

thanks to the amazingly talented amy jo for capturing some of our first moments with gwen. these pictures mean more than you can ever imagine! 

gwendolyn elizabeth barfuss

at 9:30am on tuesday june 24th we welcomed our sweet baby girl, gwendolyn elizabeth barfuss, into our family. our little bug came 5 weeks early and a little small but is as perfect as can be.

gwendolyn elizabeth barfuss

4 pounds 8 ounces

17 3/4 inches long

born at 9:30 am

a day before, monday june 23rd, i went in for my 35 week doctors appointment. after a simple blood pressure check i was rushed over to the hospital. there i was told i had severe preeclampsia and for the safety of me and my sweet baby she would be coming soon.

i'll share the whole story soon. in the mean time we're thanking our heavenly father each day for our perfect gwen. we are also looking forward to the day we get to bring baby girl home. for now we're grateful that gwen is healthy, strong and so adorable!

now we're a family of 3!

a momma in the making....thoughts on this growing belly

every morning i wake up and stare at my growing belly. lately that growing belly likes to move, jerk and jump in the mornings. and as soon as i put my hand on my belly to get a better feel she stops. like she knows she is driving her momma crazy. it's amazing how much you can love a growing belly. 

this pregnancy has been surprising to say the least. i thought i knew what to expect with pregnancy. i'd done the first few weeks 3 times before...how different could it be? early on i realized how wrong i was. this pregnancy has been amazing, hard, exhausting and beautiful. 

even though i've wanted this for years, prayed for this and wished for this....watching my changing body has been difficult. at beautiful as a growing belly is, it's also an adjustment. it's waking up each morning and realizing you can't fit into any of your clothes. it's seeing the chub come back to your face after fighting it off for years. this has been something i've had to work through. at times i get frustrated with myself, i'm supposed to love every minute of pregnancy. i'm supposed to appreciate this beautiful gift and miracle. i'm supposed to feel beautiful despite the extra chub and zits on my face. 

in those hard moments my sweet husband reminds me that i am beautiful. that he loves my growing belly and that i do still look great. i can't imagine going through this process without spence. he has been my rock. he holds my hair back when i'm sick (which sadly is still about once a week), he rubs my feet after a long day at work, he makes sure i always have my ice water beside my bed, he makes walgreens runs for tums, he puts up with my constant crazy baby ideas and gets excited with my new nursery designs. 

but despite the not so great things about pregnancy (round ligament pain, nausea that won't stop, heart burn for days etc...) pregnancy is the most incredible, beautiful and spiritual thing i have been able to experience. i am so grateful to my heavenly father for this pregnancy. for the chance to experience the good and the bad. to feel what so many before me have felt. and to know my sweet baby girl is on her way...finally! 

we are beyond excited to be having a sweet baby girl. we actually found out really early. because it was so early we held off telling anybody, in case we were wrong. after a few more ultrasounds they confirmed again and again it was a baby girl. i was surprised and shocked but so excited. we've been planning and prepping with all things girly and pink. she is our little sweetheart already! 

i think the most fun i've had during this pregnancy is seeing the excitement in my cute husband. he loves to feel her kick and move, plan out her nursery, and read her books. he is already the most incredible father. since the boards are over we've jumped into baby prep. crib set up, stroller shopping and car seat looking. it's been fun to experience this together. to make plans and prepare for our new life adventure...together. i can't imagine doing this with anyone else! 

so bring on the last trimester. it scares me to death to say that. i can't believe we only have a couple of months left. though we're excited for baby girl....there is still so much to do. we've got baby books to finish, a nursery to complete, a quilt to sew, things to buy and plan for. ready or not.....

a little family photo shoot

thanks amy jo for the most beautiful pictures! i'm so happy you caught these simple moments. our first officially family photo shoot as a little family of 3!!!! loved being able to include our little bug in these photos. i was 13 weeks along when we took these.