this is me.

i had the number for weeks

it was pinned to my cork board where i could see it

every day i almost called

but then i couldn't

finally i realized i needed to call

i picked up the phone

made the appointment

hung up

then i covered my face to try and fight back the tears

they came anyway

it has been a few months since the day i called and made our first appointment to visit the northwestern infertility clinic. it took me a bit longer to come to terms with the fact that we needed the appointment. yet, even after making the appointment it has taken me time to really come to terms with, and accept our situation. 

it has been hard for me to talk about it. it is a very personal and emotional thing. and some days i'm more willing to open up then others. but i have come to realize that as i open up about our struggle my heart opens up as well. i find that as i talk to those close to me about infertility i am greeted with love, support and added faith. it is this love and support that has helped us continue to stay strong. 

i have wanted to be a mother for as long as i can remember. in my life plan i got married to my handsome prince (check), enjoyed newlywed bliss (check) and soon after started a family. and yet, it seems my dream of being a mother has been delayed. 

when reality set in that my dream was probably further away than i expected i experienced every emotion. i still regularly go through the emotions, sadness, anger, tired to the point of giving up. there have been times where i have felt so completely broken, that i can't possibly keep a hold of my dream. 

in those darkest moments though i have felt the comforting warmth of the spirit. i have felt the love of my heavenly father. when i can't do it on my own he has stepped in. 

there is no doubt in my mind that i will be a mother. there is no doubt that my heavenly father has a plan for me and my sweet husband. though i am being tested, i am also being blessed. 

i am grateful for the tender mercies of a loving god. those new friends who have been placed into my life and somehow know just what to say. those who understand me so completely. those who have the same struggles and hurt just as i do and yet can lift me up. 

so this is me. 

this is my reality. this is my life plan. and though it may not be what i would have chosen, it is what the lord has in store for me. so on the days when all i want to do is cry, i smile and know that though i struggle, i am loved. i smile and let my sweet husband hold me and give me strength.  i smile and know that my dream of being a mother will come true...

one day.

today i am smiling!