a little update

i've been so bad at blogging lately. for the past few weeks i've thought through countless blog posts. for some reason i have felt like if i write something real, meaningful and honest....it has to be deep and profound. that what ever i have to write has to inspire and uplift. at least when it comes to the whole infertility/miscarriage thing. i don't know why i've felt like this....but i have.

so that is why i haven't written. mostly because i feel like i don't have much to say that will inspire or uplift. i'm not saying what i write would do the opposite. it's just that at this point in our journey i feel like i'm still learning. i'm still growing. and still figuring out things as we go.

but today i want to write a little update. mostly for our incredible family and great friends who keep up with our little family through this blog.

this summer we experienced yet another miscarriage. at this point we hit the "something is wrong" point and the dr's started looking into things. it's hard for me to completely describe my feelings and emotions from losing yet another baby. there are some days i feel like i can wrap my head around it. others not so much. interestingly each pregnancy, each baby and each miscarriage has been so different.

the last couple of months have been draining. as we slowly try to find some problem to be fixed. they test us for one thing...we get our hopes up that we'll find what the problem is...test comes back normal or negative. at this point we've done about all the tests you can. according to our results we're normal. according to science we shouldn't be having issues. according to the dr.s it's just bad luck.

hearing that losing your babies is just "bad luck" isn't the best news. these past few years i've thought, no i've hoped, that there was something wrong. nothing huge, just something small. something to explain the why. explain why i can't get pregnant as easily as i would hope, or explain why when i do finally get pregnant i can't hold on to my babies past 12 weeks. i have prayed countless times that the dr.s could find something. and then fix it. something so that i could have a baby.

last week, after the worst test so far, we got the news that yet again i'm "normal".  honestly i wasn't surprised. i had hoped, like all the others, that they would find something. but i wasn't surprised.

so now we join the large precent of couples dealing with unexplained infertility and recurrent miscarriage. it is a group i was hoping we wouldn't have to join.

luckily we're working with some of the best dr.s in the country. my sweet dr is incredible. she truly cares about us and wants badly for us to have a baby. i've never dealt with a more understanding dr. she is always concerned about me first, about how i am doing emotionally and not just physically. we are also looking forward to some more dr.'s appointments with one of the countries leading recurrent miscarriage specialists.

at this point we're not really expecting answers. but i'm hoping, in time, we can get better direction of next steps. there may not be something "wrong" or something that can be fixed. but i'm hoping to continue to learn more and press forward.

we are taking it one day at a time. for the first time in two years i'm content with where we are. i've come to terms with the fact that it may be a few more years before we're parents. we are loving this point in life. of course we wish we were parents.  but honestly we're loving the "us" time. our weekly date nights, staying up late watching tv together, little weekend getaways, daily adventures and learning more about each other. we are choosing to enjoy the now. take advantage of this time in our lives.

i'm learning to trust in heavenly father more and trust in his plan for me. i'm learning more about his plan for our future children and my role in their lives. i'm learning to love more completely and trust more completely. i'm learning how to be a better daughter, sister, and wife. i'm learning how to be a mother.

i am so grateful for our incredible family and friends. each note, text and phone call means so much to me, to us. we feel all your prayers and faith in our behalf.  to those completely strangers who reach out to us, pray for us and send their love....thank you.

i never expected to feel so loved, so watched over and so known during these past few years. i am humbled by the love we have received from so many.

i hope that in time i can find a way to repay the world for all the love we have been shown. i hope that i can be more kind, more caring, more in-tune. i pray that all we are learning, all that i am learning, will make me a better mother.

so for now we're happily living our adventure in chicago. thats our update.

remembering

yesterday i woke up with the strong desire to read my journal from jerusalem. i have been finding myself reading it more and more lately. there was something special about that summer. during that summer i was working through a few big things. my time in jerusalem healed my heart and taught me so much. i have been needing those reminders more and more lately. 

i usually start from the beginning and read until i'm tired. but yesterday i turned to the last page. on this last page i had made a list, just a simple list, of the most important things i learned and the things i wanted to take with me. to remember always. 

tears streamed down my face as i read my list. i never imagined i would find comfort in my own words. how easy i had forgotten a few of the key lessons i learned just 4 years ago. 

"our answers to questions are determined by the amount of work we put into finding them". this one really stood out to me. for the past two years i have been longing for answers. i have asked over and over again "why" and "what am i supposed to learn". there have been small moments of understand but more often then not i have been longing for more. more direction. more understanding. 

i realized what i had already learned. i need to put more work into finding my answers.  my heavenly father will provide. he will open the way. of that i am sure. but just simply asking isn't enough. i found new determination to search my scriptures, pour over the words of the prophets and just spend time in deep thought and ponder. i need to put more work into finding my answers. they will come. in time they will come.

"bad things happen to good people but we need to keep the faith no matter what". this one has been on my mind so much lately. to be completely honest i think about myself, our situation, and what we're dealing with. we both try to be good people. we try our hardest to do what is right. but in the end we still have heartbreak. we're dealing with reoccurring miscarriages and fertility issues. at times this is heartbreaking. having children is something we both deeply long for. but not only that it's something we've been commanded to do. and yet we get nothing. i don't understand. 

but then i look around me. so many others dear to my heart are struggling with the same things, miscarriage and infertility. they are such great people. they would make such incredible parents. but why not them? and then i have dear friends who are dealing with the loss of loved ones, death, divorce, broken hearts and so much more. when they are so good and so strong themselves. why would they have to struggle? 

i don't have any answers. in the end life isn't fair. it's not supposed to be. but like i learned 4 years ago there is nothing we can do but keep the faith. in the end faith can bring us happiness. it may not take the heartbreak away. it may not fix the broken or provide all the answers. but it provides strength. it is the open door way to finding peace and love. 

"the love our father has for every single person". of this i am sure. like i was 4 years ago i am today. and included in that is myself. in the end, though we long for answers and for good things to happen, this is what matters. that we are loved. i am loved. 

i am truly grateful for my time in jerusalem. it's as if my heavenly father knew what i would be going through now, yesterday, today, and he knew i needed to prepare myself. he helped me learn a few important lessons. so that when the time came i could remember. i could draw from those experiences and grow even stronger. 

each day i am grateful for the last. for knowing that i made it through. and that good things do happen. even in the midst of bad things, there is always good. so today i am refocusing my life. i am trying to learn from the girl i was 4 years ago. thank you jerusalem journal. you were just what i needed. i think He knew that. 

today i just need to write

today i just need to write. no pictures. just my heart spilled out on this little blog. just for today. just for right now.

......................................................................................................

miscarriage is a funny thing. it is so common and yet i feel like a little uncommon to discuss. 

after my first miscarriage i felt like i wasn't allowed to talk about it. honestly i felt guilty that i could have had a miscarriage. i couldn't express my pain and heart break completely. when i did talk about it i got mixed reactions. which is okay. most everybody was so loving and understanding. but i got a few negative comments. 

once i heard "well at least you can get pregnant. so nothing is wrong with you. don't complain". that one hurt. really hurt. so i stop talking about it. i kept it my secret. one i only whispered to dear friends who i could trust. 

after miscarriage #1 i thought i was in the clear. i had my miscarriage. i had experienced that. i could move on. of course i knew even two miscarriages were common. but that wasn't going to be me. 

getting pregnant again was hard. i read so many things saying "after a miscarriage you are very fertile". well i guess that wasn't me. months and months of sadness followed. i kept thinking "i did this, i've waited. and i've almost had my dream. it was taken from me. it's my turn now". each month i was hopeful, excited and sure. just to be met with my sworn enemy....the period. we finally took the steps to see an infertility specialist. but i struggled. i didn't want to have that struggle. i wasn't ready for it. 

then it was the month. the time. the moment where i could cry happy tears. and smile. knowing i had a little secret again. we weren't going to struggle with infertility after all. 

of course i was scared. after months and months i could still feel the pain of miscarriage. but week after week passed, i was hopeful. oh so hopeful. we saw our sweet baby. and that gave me even more hope. i had done it. i had a miscarriage but i was moving on. i was going to have a baby.

i wasn't going to be one of "those girls". you know, the ones all your friends tell you about after struggling with infertility or miscarriage "oh i once knew a girl who had multiple miscarriages before she had a baby". but that wasn't going to me be. and secretly i was thrilled about that. 

but then something happened. and i became that girl. the girl who had two miscarriages. 

here is the funny thing. in college i had this reoccurring thought. it would be hard for me to have a baby. at times i think i told myself that so i would be pleasantly surprised when i got pregnant after 1 month of trying. i had no reason to think it would be hard. i just did. 

and then when it was hard i got mad. mad at myself for thinking it would be. because maybe somehow just thinking having a baby would be a struggle made it a struggle. 

losing baby #2 was hard. honestly i didn't think i could do it. i told my heavenly father countless times i wasn't strong enough. i couldn't handle another miscarriage. i just had to keep this baby. but it happened. and i survived. i am still surviving. 

surprisingly miscarriage number two has been easier. i think our past year and a half of heartache has helped with that. i grew stronger when i wasn't looking ;-) i'm not bitter like i was after miscarriage #1. i'm not angry like i was. finally talking about it. opening myself and my heart to others helped. it truly has made my heart heal. 

but i'm still sad. 

and i still have those days. the days i wake up and just want to cry. because i should be waking up to a little one calling my name. or at least waking up to the little kicks in my belly. i have those days where i hear about moms hurting their kids. and i hurt inside. i think "why didn't that little one come to me?" i would be a good mom to that little one. 

miscarriage is a funny thing. 

for the most part there is no one thing that causes it. most likely my two miscarriages were due to chromosomal issues (and if your like me and have no idea what that means.....basically when baby was forming something went wrong that would lead to major problems down the road. so my body decided to end the pregnancy before things could get worse.)

sometimes i wish i wouldn't have gotten pregnant at all. that our struggle would be infertility. because then we would have options. we would have steps to take and things to try. 

but basically we don't. according to all signs i'm good. i can get pregnant (though not as easily as i would have hoped). and two miscarriages is common. though i HATE that fact. and though i've come to terms with where we are. with our situation. it's still hard for me to admit. 

to admit there isn't an answer. at least for right now. to admit that there isn't a big medical procedure that will fix me, fix this. to admit we're starting over. when we've tried for so long. 

i struggle with what to say. technically we aren't struggling with infertility because i can get pregnant. but yet we still don't have a baby. and sometimes i feel like i deserve to be in the ranks with those struggling with infertility. but then i feel like i don't belong. that my struggle isn't as hard. and that hurts. so i'm working on that. on what to say. 

but today i'm admitting something else. 

that today i'm sad. today i wish i was still pregnant. that i could be posting cute belly pictures on my blog. that i could be decorating a nursery. and i am going to admit that today i cried. and i felt bad for myself, just for today. 

tomorrow will be better. and like i said i'm stronger this time around. i will be okay. i know i will. but today i'm sad. and for today thats okay. 

so thank you for letting me write. for reading and listening. finally being open and honest to the world about myself has helped. i am stronger. i no longer hide behind my hurt. and for today this helps dry the tears. 

my pickle juice

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. 

and i think i've been downing a bit too much pickle juice lately. 

the other day i found out through blogs and the facebook that 4 of my friends are pregnant. 4 people i know decided to share their happy news with the world on the same day. 

honestly, my first reactions weren't so great. 

i should have been happy, excited for my friends, and overjoyed that they were having babies. 

but instead i was angry, jealous and confused. i was honestly having a good day. but then it turned into a not so great day (i feel really bad for spence for having to put up with me). thoughts ran through my mind "why them and not me", "they don't know the pain of waiting" etc...

then the other night i decided i didn't like this side of me. i sat there and went through the facts....

- i am at a stage in life where most of my friends will start having babies. this is an exciting time. it isn't a surprise that so many friends are pregnant. honestly this is where spence and i want to be. so it's fun, it's growing, it's happy. i can't pretend like others don't want the same thing we want...a family.

- i am not the only woman out there who desperately wants to get pregnant but can't. this past year has taught me that. i am not alone. i have countless friends who have similar struggles to me. they must hurt as well. i can't dig myself a pity party hole and sit in it. if anything this is a time to not be alone in this.

- along those lines i can't assume that my pregnant friends just woke up one day and decided "hey i want to be pregnant today". for all i know they struggled to get pregnant. they felt the pain and heartache that i have felt. i should be more than excited for them. just because someone struggles and someone doesn't, doesn't mean the outcome is more or less exciting and cause for celebration. 

- being pregnant isn't always fun. i would know. i've been pregnant before. a couple of times actually. i know the excitement of getting a positive test. i know the panic that comes. the worry "can we pay for everything" "are we really ready" "what kind of world will my baby grow up in" "will i be able to handle zero sleep" "will my baby keep growing inside okay". i know morning sickness, i know the feeling of seeing baby for the first time. seeing the heartbeat. having a little secret no one else knows. but boy do i know the stress. the worry. the scared feelings. just because my friends are posting about their exciting news doesn't mean they are happy 100% of the time. i should know that.

-just because others are pregnant and i am not does not mean i am not loved by my heavenly father. it does not mean they will be better mothers than i will. it does not mean i am less of a woman. it does not mean he trusts them more. it does not mean they have more capacity to love than i do. i am loved. i am going to be a great mother one day. i can love. i am a strong woman. i am trusted. 

-the fact is, envying another's happiness will not make me happy. being upset, jealous, and angry that a friend is pregnant will not make me pregnant. i am in control of my feelings. i am in control of my reactions. 

i didn't like the feelings that i had the other day. i didn't like what i did to the spirit in my home or my relationship with spence. 

so i'm done. i'm done with being angry when i find out a friend is expecting. i'm done asking my heavenly father "why them and not me". 

i am going to be happy. i am going to rejoice in the fact that a sweet baby gets to come into a good home. i am going to rejoice in knowing my friends will be incredible mothers. i am going to remember that i am loved. i am going to hold on to the fact that in the lords time it will be my turn. one day it will be my turn to tell the world my exciting news. 

no more pickle juice for me. i have so much to be thankful for. so much to be happy about. i do feel god's rewards for my labors. 

and for today that is enough. 

"My beloved brothers and sisters, what happened in this story at 9:00 or noon or 3:00 is swept up in the grandeur of the universally generous payment at the end of the day. The formula of faith is to hold on, work on, see it through, and let the distress of earlier hours—real or imagined—fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t dwell on old issues or grievances—not toward yourself nor your neighbor nor even, I might add, toward this true and living Church. The majesty of your life, of your neighbor’s life, and of the gospel of Jesus Christ will be made manifest at the last day, even if such majesty is not always recognized by everyone in the early going. So don’t hyperventilate about something that happened at 9:00 in the morning when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6:00 in the evening—whatever your labor arrangements have been through the day.

Which leads me to my third and last point. This parable—like all parables—is not really about laborers or wages any more than the others are about sheep and goats. This is a story about God’s goodness, His patience and forgiveness, and the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a story about generosity and compassion. It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it."

-Elder Holland

this is me.

i had the number for weeks

it was pinned to my cork board where i could see it

every day i almost called

but then i couldn't

finally i realized i needed to call

i picked up the phone

made the appointment

hung up

then i covered my face to try and fight back the tears

they came anyway

it has been a few months since the day i called and made our first appointment to visit the northwestern infertility clinic. it took me a bit longer to come to terms with the fact that we needed the appointment. yet, even after making the appointment it has taken me time to really come to terms with, and accept our situation. 

it has been hard for me to talk about it. it is a very personal and emotional thing. and some days i'm more willing to open up then others. but i have come to realize that as i open up about our struggle my heart opens up as well. i find that as i talk to those close to me about infertility i am greeted with love, support and added faith. it is this love and support that has helped us continue to stay strong. 

i have wanted to be a mother for as long as i can remember. in my life plan i got married to my handsome prince (check), enjoyed newlywed bliss (check) and soon after started a family. and yet, it seems my dream of being a mother has been delayed. 

when reality set in that my dream was probably further away than i expected i experienced every emotion. i still regularly go through the emotions, sadness, anger, tired to the point of giving up. there have been times where i have felt so completely broken, that i can't possibly keep a hold of my dream. 

in those darkest moments though i have felt the comforting warmth of the spirit. i have felt the love of my heavenly father. when i can't do it on my own he has stepped in. 

there is no doubt in my mind that i will be a mother. there is no doubt that my heavenly father has a plan for me and my sweet husband. though i am being tested, i am also being blessed. 

i am grateful for the tender mercies of a loving god. those new friends who have been placed into my life and somehow know just what to say. those who understand me so completely. those who have the same struggles and hurt just as i do and yet can lift me up. 

so this is me. 

this is my reality. this is my life plan. and though it may not be what i would have chosen, it is what the lord has in store for me. so on the days when all i want to do is cry, i smile and know that though i struggle, i am loved. i smile and let my sweet husband hold me and give me strength.  i smile and know that my dream of being a mother will come true...

one day.

today i am smiling!