my pickle juice

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. 

and i think i've been downing a bit too much pickle juice lately. 

the other day i found out through blogs and the facebook that 4 of my friends are pregnant. 4 people i know decided to share their happy news with the world on the same day. 

honestly, my first reactions weren't so great. 

i should have been happy, excited for my friends, and overjoyed that they were having babies. 

but instead i was angry, jealous and confused. i was honestly having a good day. but then it turned into a not so great day (i feel really bad for spence for having to put up with me). thoughts ran through my mind "why them and not me", "they don't know the pain of waiting" etc...

then the other night i decided i didn't like this side of me. i sat there and went through the facts....

- i am at a stage in life where most of my friends will start having babies. this is an exciting time. it isn't a surprise that so many friends are pregnant. honestly this is where spence and i want to be. so it's fun, it's growing, it's happy. i can't pretend like others don't want the same thing we want...a family.

- i am not the only woman out there who desperately wants to get pregnant but can't. this past year has taught me that. i am not alone. i have countless friends who have similar struggles to me. they must hurt as well. i can't dig myself a pity party hole and sit in it. if anything this is a time to not be alone in this.

- along those lines i can't assume that my pregnant friends just woke up one day and decided "hey i want to be pregnant today". for all i know they struggled to get pregnant. they felt the pain and heartache that i have felt. i should be more than excited for them. just because someone struggles and someone doesn't, doesn't mean the outcome is more or less exciting and cause for celebration. 

- being pregnant isn't always fun. i would know. i've been pregnant before. a couple of times actually. i know the excitement of getting a positive test. i know the panic that comes. the worry "can we pay for everything" "are we really ready" "what kind of world will my baby grow up in" "will i be able to handle zero sleep" "will my baby keep growing inside okay". i know morning sickness, i know the feeling of seeing baby for the first time. seeing the heartbeat. having a little secret no one else knows. but boy do i know the stress. the worry. the scared feelings. just because my friends are posting about their exciting news doesn't mean they are happy 100% of the time. i should know that.

-just because others are pregnant and i am not does not mean i am not loved by my heavenly father. it does not mean they will be better mothers than i will. it does not mean i am less of a woman. it does not mean he trusts them more. it does not mean they have more capacity to love than i do. i am loved. i am going to be a great mother one day. i can love. i am a strong woman. i am trusted. 

-the fact is, envying another's happiness will not make me happy. being upset, jealous, and angry that a friend is pregnant will not make me pregnant. i am in control of my feelings. i am in control of my reactions. 

i didn't like the feelings that i had the other day. i didn't like what i did to the spirit in my home or my relationship with spence. 

so i'm done. i'm done with being angry when i find out a friend is expecting. i'm done asking my heavenly father "why them and not me". 

i am going to be happy. i am going to rejoice in the fact that a sweet baby gets to come into a good home. i am going to rejoice in knowing my friends will be incredible mothers. i am going to remember that i am loved. i am going to hold on to the fact that in the lords time it will be my turn. one day it will be my turn to tell the world my exciting news. 

no more pickle juice for me. i have so much to be thankful for. so much to be happy about. i do feel god's rewards for my labors. 

and for today that is enough. 

"My beloved brothers and sisters, what happened in this story at 9:00 or noon or 3:00 is swept up in the grandeur of the universally generous payment at the end of the day. The formula of faith is to hold on, work on, see it through, and let the distress of earlier hours—real or imagined—fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t dwell on old issues or grievances—not toward yourself nor your neighbor nor even, I might add, toward this true and living Church. The majesty of your life, of your neighbor’s life, and of the gospel of Jesus Christ will be made manifest at the last day, even if such majesty is not always recognized by everyone in the early going. So don’t hyperventilate about something that happened at 9:00 in the morning when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6:00 in the evening—whatever your labor arrangements have been through the day.

Which leads me to my third and last point. This parable—like all parables—is not really about laborers or wages any more than the others are about sheep and goats. This is a story about God’s goodness, His patience and forgiveness, and the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a story about generosity and compassion. It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it."

-Elder Holland