today i just need to write

today i just need to write. no pictures. just my heart spilled out on this little blog. just for today. just for right now.

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miscarriage is a funny thing. it is so common and yet i feel like a little uncommon to discuss. 

after my first miscarriage i felt like i wasn't allowed to talk about it. honestly i felt guilty that i could have had a miscarriage. i couldn't express my pain and heart break completely. when i did talk about it i got mixed reactions. which is okay. most everybody was so loving and understanding. but i got a few negative comments. 

once i heard "well at least you can get pregnant. so nothing is wrong with you. don't complain". that one hurt. really hurt. so i stop talking about it. i kept it my secret. one i only whispered to dear friends who i could trust. 

after miscarriage #1 i thought i was in the clear. i had my miscarriage. i had experienced that. i could move on. of course i knew even two miscarriages were common. but that wasn't going to be me. 

getting pregnant again was hard. i read so many things saying "after a miscarriage you are very fertile". well i guess that wasn't me. months and months of sadness followed. i kept thinking "i did this, i've waited. and i've almost had my dream. it was taken from me. it's my turn now". each month i was hopeful, excited and sure. just to be met with my sworn enemy....the period. we finally took the steps to see an infertility specialist. but i struggled. i didn't want to have that struggle. i wasn't ready for it. 

then it was the month. the time. the moment where i could cry happy tears. and smile. knowing i had a little secret again. we weren't going to struggle with infertility after all. 

of course i was scared. after months and months i could still feel the pain of miscarriage. but week after week passed, i was hopeful. oh so hopeful. we saw our sweet baby. and that gave me even more hope. i had done it. i had a miscarriage but i was moving on. i was going to have a baby.

i wasn't going to be one of "those girls". you know, the ones all your friends tell you about after struggling with infertility or miscarriage "oh i once knew a girl who had multiple miscarriages before she had a baby". but that wasn't going to me be. and secretly i was thrilled about that. 

but then something happened. and i became that girl. the girl who had two miscarriages. 

here is the funny thing. in college i had this reoccurring thought. it would be hard for me to have a baby. at times i think i told myself that so i would be pleasantly surprised when i got pregnant after 1 month of trying. i had no reason to think it would be hard. i just did. 

and then when it was hard i got mad. mad at myself for thinking it would be. because maybe somehow just thinking having a baby would be a struggle made it a struggle. 

losing baby #2 was hard. honestly i didn't think i could do it. i told my heavenly father countless times i wasn't strong enough. i couldn't handle another miscarriage. i just had to keep this baby. but it happened. and i survived. i am still surviving. 

surprisingly miscarriage number two has been easier. i think our past year and a half of heartache has helped with that. i grew stronger when i wasn't looking ;-) i'm not bitter like i was after miscarriage #1. i'm not angry like i was. finally talking about it. opening myself and my heart to others helped. it truly has made my heart heal. 

but i'm still sad. 

and i still have those days. the days i wake up and just want to cry. because i should be waking up to a little one calling my name. or at least waking up to the little kicks in my belly. i have those days where i hear about moms hurting their kids. and i hurt inside. i think "why didn't that little one come to me?" i would be a good mom to that little one. 

miscarriage is a funny thing. 

for the most part there is no one thing that causes it. most likely my two miscarriages were due to chromosomal issues (and if your like me and have no idea what that means.....basically when baby was forming something went wrong that would lead to major problems down the road. so my body decided to end the pregnancy before things could get worse.)

sometimes i wish i wouldn't have gotten pregnant at all. that our struggle would be infertility. because then we would have options. we would have steps to take and things to try. 

but basically we don't. according to all signs i'm good. i can get pregnant (though not as easily as i would have hoped). and two miscarriages is common. though i HATE that fact. and though i've come to terms with where we are. with our situation. it's still hard for me to admit. 

to admit there isn't an answer. at least for right now. to admit that there isn't a big medical procedure that will fix me, fix this. to admit we're starting over. when we've tried for so long. 

i struggle with what to say. technically we aren't struggling with infertility because i can get pregnant. but yet we still don't have a baby. and sometimes i feel like i deserve to be in the ranks with those struggling with infertility. but then i feel like i don't belong. that my struggle isn't as hard. and that hurts. so i'm working on that. on what to say. 

but today i'm admitting something else. 

that today i'm sad. today i wish i was still pregnant. that i could be posting cute belly pictures on my blog. that i could be decorating a nursery. and i am going to admit that today i cried. and i felt bad for myself, just for today. 

tomorrow will be better. and like i said i'm stronger this time around. i will be okay. i know i will. but today i'm sad. and for today thats okay. 

so thank you for letting me write. for reading and listening. finally being open and honest to the world about myself has helped. i am stronger. i no longer hide behind my hurt. and for today this helps dry the tears.