thank you....

thank you so much for all your love and support with our recent announcement. i sat with tears in my eyes as i read all the comments. we have some of the best friends and family around. all the support has truly helped us these past couple of years. 

when i showed spencer the post he said "what about telling the whole story?" i informed him i would follow-up. honestly it's been hard for me to share our story of this pregnancy. i think it's for a couple of reasons but mostly because this one is different, special and for the first time one i can enjoy. 

but i did want to share a shortened version of "our story".....

as most of you know our story started over 2 and a half years ago. it's been a longer journey than either of us expected. but it's been a beautiful one. the past couple of years have taught us more about our savior, about love, about each other and about our future family. they haven't been easy, but they have been beautiful. 

we hit a point this summer where we had to make some big decisions on the future of our family. after a lot of prayer and discussion we decided to go forward with testing. after a few months (and few thousand dollars...ugh) we did most all the tests you could. the dr.'s couldn't find a thing. 

at this point we decided to push forward with faith. we were working with a couple of wonderful dr.'s here in chicago that were so supportive of us and our situation. 

we found out in late november that we were expecting, for the fourth time. we were of course excited but also extremely nervous. i started going into the dr.s once a week when we first found out. the first night knowing both spence and i decided we need to  change our approach. instead of being nervous, scared and not excited we were going to put our trust in the lord and have faith that this one, this baby, would be okay.

this change of mind set made the world of difference. add that to our weekly ultrasounds we were doing okay. i loved seeing our sweet baby starting at just a little over 5 weeks. it was incredible for me to watch as our little bug kept growing each week. every ultrasound i would freak out a little because i didn't know what i was looking at. but cute spence and our great dr would calm me down. at least they could see the baby was growing. 

we told our parents early on. we needed their love, support and prayers.  they were all so excited for us. we told the rest of our family over the holidays. it was so fun to have our families excited for us and our little babe. 

early on things were different with this baby. for starters i got a lot sicker than previous pregnancies (oh the joy) and the baby was growing as expected. finally after 11 weeks we "graduated" from our dr at the infertility office. it was scary to say good bye but he hugged us and told us that we would have a baby. it was so comforting to know he felt everything was going smoothy.

since then we've had a few more ultrasounds and baby is looking good! we finally felt confident and ready share our news. 

we are so excited to finally be at this point. words can't truly describe the emotions we've felt. i know so many others who have struggled and are struggling with the same thing...wanting a baby. my heart goes out for each and every one of you. 

i know our road isn't over. we still have a long ways to go, with this baby and with future babies. but i know it will all work out. it always does! 

so for now we're loving our little b. getting excited for the next steps in this pregnancy and day dreaming about the gender, it's cute face and our future life. 

thank you again! we couldn't have gotten this far without all your prayers and support!!!

they say a picture is worth a thousand words.....

we are beyond thrilled and excited to finally be able to say....

baby barfuss coming july 2014

we are so grateful for the countless prayers from family, friends and even strangers on our behalf! 

our little miracle baby is on it's way!

today i just need to write

today i just need to write. no pictures. just my heart spilled out on this little blog. just for today. just for right now.

......................................................................................................

miscarriage is a funny thing. it is so common and yet i feel like a little uncommon to discuss. 

after my first miscarriage i felt like i wasn't allowed to talk about it. honestly i felt guilty that i could have had a miscarriage. i couldn't express my pain and heart break completely. when i did talk about it i got mixed reactions. which is okay. most everybody was so loving and understanding. but i got a few negative comments. 

once i heard "well at least you can get pregnant. so nothing is wrong with you. don't complain". that one hurt. really hurt. so i stop talking about it. i kept it my secret. one i only whispered to dear friends who i could trust. 

after miscarriage #1 i thought i was in the clear. i had my miscarriage. i had experienced that. i could move on. of course i knew even two miscarriages were common. but that wasn't going to be me. 

getting pregnant again was hard. i read so many things saying "after a miscarriage you are very fertile". well i guess that wasn't me. months and months of sadness followed. i kept thinking "i did this, i've waited. and i've almost had my dream. it was taken from me. it's my turn now". each month i was hopeful, excited and sure. just to be met with my sworn enemy....the period. we finally took the steps to see an infertility specialist. but i struggled. i didn't want to have that struggle. i wasn't ready for it. 

then it was the month. the time. the moment where i could cry happy tears. and smile. knowing i had a little secret again. we weren't going to struggle with infertility after all. 

of course i was scared. after months and months i could still feel the pain of miscarriage. but week after week passed, i was hopeful. oh so hopeful. we saw our sweet baby. and that gave me even more hope. i had done it. i had a miscarriage but i was moving on. i was going to have a baby.

i wasn't going to be one of "those girls". you know, the ones all your friends tell you about after struggling with infertility or miscarriage "oh i once knew a girl who had multiple miscarriages before she had a baby". but that wasn't going to me be. and secretly i was thrilled about that. 

but then something happened. and i became that girl. the girl who had two miscarriages. 

here is the funny thing. in college i had this reoccurring thought. it would be hard for me to have a baby. at times i think i told myself that so i would be pleasantly surprised when i got pregnant after 1 month of trying. i had no reason to think it would be hard. i just did. 

and then when it was hard i got mad. mad at myself for thinking it would be. because maybe somehow just thinking having a baby would be a struggle made it a struggle. 

losing baby #2 was hard. honestly i didn't think i could do it. i told my heavenly father countless times i wasn't strong enough. i couldn't handle another miscarriage. i just had to keep this baby. but it happened. and i survived. i am still surviving. 

surprisingly miscarriage number two has been easier. i think our past year and a half of heartache has helped with that. i grew stronger when i wasn't looking ;-) i'm not bitter like i was after miscarriage #1. i'm not angry like i was. finally talking about it. opening myself and my heart to others helped. it truly has made my heart heal. 

but i'm still sad. 

and i still have those days. the days i wake up and just want to cry. because i should be waking up to a little one calling my name. or at least waking up to the little kicks in my belly. i have those days where i hear about moms hurting their kids. and i hurt inside. i think "why didn't that little one come to me?" i would be a good mom to that little one. 

miscarriage is a funny thing. 

for the most part there is no one thing that causes it. most likely my two miscarriages were due to chromosomal issues (and if your like me and have no idea what that means.....basically when baby was forming something went wrong that would lead to major problems down the road. so my body decided to end the pregnancy before things could get worse.)

sometimes i wish i wouldn't have gotten pregnant at all. that our struggle would be infertility. because then we would have options. we would have steps to take and things to try. 

but basically we don't. according to all signs i'm good. i can get pregnant (though not as easily as i would have hoped). and two miscarriages is common. though i HATE that fact. and though i've come to terms with where we are. with our situation. it's still hard for me to admit. 

to admit there isn't an answer. at least for right now. to admit that there isn't a big medical procedure that will fix me, fix this. to admit we're starting over. when we've tried for so long. 

i struggle with what to say. technically we aren't struggling with infertility because i can get pregnant. but yet we still don't have a baby. and sometimes i feel like i deserve to be in the ranks with those struggling with infertility. but then i feel like i don't belong. that my struggle isn't as hard. and that hurts. so i'm working on that. on what to say. 

but today i'm admitting something else. 

that today i'm sad. today i wish i was still pregnant. that i could be posting cute belly pictures on my blog. that i could be decorating a nursery. and i am going to admit that today i cried. and i felt bad for myself, just for today. 

tomorrow will be better. and like i said i'm stronger this time around. i will be okay. i know i will. but today i'm sad. and for today thats okay. 

so thank you for letting me write. for reading and listening. finally being open and honest to the world about myself has helped. i am stronger. i no longer hide behind my hurt. and for today this helps dry the tears. 

some big changes for the mrs.

so i am finally doing it....
changing my diet almost completely. one step at a time of course.
starting with dairy

i think posting it will hold me more accountable to actually try and stick with my new diet.
here is the deal....

it's no secret that we want to have a baby. and we've lost two already. i'm not ready to do that again. so i'm trying to do everything i can to not have this happen again. starting with my diet.

i've always had issues with high acid levels. we first really looked into it a couple of years ago. at that time i wasn't ready to make huge changes. i got on some medicine to solve the problem for a bit. well after some more research i decided it was about time i made some changes.

first off the list...regular ol' cows milk.

this one is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me considering i drink about 2-3 glasses a day of milk. just plain. i'm telling you i love milk. so almond milk it is.

i started with vanilla. it sounded good. and boy it is. but i think it might be too much for cereal. a little too sweet. i think i might need to go with regular. another negative is that almond milk is so much more expensive. ahh...our tiny budget. i'm hoping i can try and get off the habit of just drinking milk plain and drink water instead.

any advice would be great. next on the list is white flour, cheese and red meats. i'm not sure worried about red meats but white flour...seriously! what have i gotten myself into.

hopefully this will all help get my body back where it's supposed to be. wish me luck!

the mrs and her dreams

so a few days ago i had a very vivid dream....
mr crazyeights who is our great free internet provider decided to no longer provide free internet

a few days after that i had another vivid dream....
i was the proud mommy of an adorable blue eyed baby boy

well last night mr crazyeights did decided to no longer provide free internet. reality hit us in the face

the mr. looked over to me
"looks like baby boy barfuss is coming up"

we both laughed but figured my dream would come true because apparently i dream the future

well this morning we woke up to mr crazyeights free internet once again.

i guess reality wasn't ready for the mr. and i to have our adorable blue eyed baby boy.

but just you know reality....we're waiting until crazyeights really cuts off the internet,
then it's hitting up "a pea in the pod" for me!

in the mean time....
i'm trying to convince the mr. to get me one of these...because doesn't everyone need a puppy?

photo via