remembering

yesterday i woke up with the strong desire to read my journal from jerusalem. i have been finding myself reading it more and more lately. there was something special about that summer. during that summer i was working through a few big things. my time in jerusalem healed my heart and taught me so much. i have been needing those reminders more and more lately. 

i usually start from the beginning and read until i'm tired. but yesterday i turned to the last page. on this last page i had made a list, just a simple list, of the most important things i learned and the things i wanted to take with me. to remember always. 

tears streamed down my face as i read my list. i never imagined i would find comfort in my own words. how easy i had forgotten a few of the key lessons i learned just 4 years ago. 

"our answers to questions are determined by the amount of work we put into finding them". this one really stood out to me. for the past two years i have been longing for answers. i have asked over and over again "why" and "what am i supposed to learn". there have been small moments of understand but more often then not i have been longing for more. more direction. more understanding. 

i realized what i had already learned. i need to put more work into finding my answers.  my heavenly father will provide. he will open the way. of that i am sure. but just simply asking isn't enough. i found new determination to search my scriptures, pour over the words of the prophets and just spend time in deep thought and ponder. i need to put more work into finding my answers. they will come. in time they will come.

"bad things happen to good people but we need to keep the faith no matter what". this one has been on my mind so much lately. to be completely honest i think about myself, our situation, and what we're dealing with. we both try to be good people. we try our hardest to do what is right. but in the end we still have heartbreak. we're dealing with reoccurring miscarriages and fertility issues. at times this is heartbreaking. having children is something we both deeply long for. but not only that it's something we've been commanded to do. and yet we get nothing. i don't understand. 

but then i look around me. so many others dear to my heart are struggling with the same things, miscarriage and infertility. they are such great people. they would make such incredible parents. but why not them? and then i have dear friends who are dealing with the loss of loved ones, death, divorce, broken hearts and so much more. when they are so good and so strong themselves. why would they have to struggle? 

i don't have any answers. in the end life isn't fair. it's not supposed to be. but like i learned 4 years ago there is nothing we can do but keep the faith. in the end faith can bring us happiness. it may not take the heartbreak away. it may not fix the broken or provide all the answers. but it provides strength. it is the open door way to finding peace and love. 

"the love our father has for every single person". of this i am sure. like i was 4 years ago i am today. and included in that is myself. in the end, though we long for answers and for good things to happen, this is what matters. that we are loved. i am loved. 

i am truly grateful for my time in jerusalem. it's as if my heavenly father knew what i would be going through now, yesterday, today, and he knew i needed to prepare myself. he helped me learn a few important lessons. so that when the time came i could remember. i could draw from those experiences and grow even stronger. 

each day i am grateful for the last. for knowing that i made it through. and that good things do happen. even in the midst of bad things, there is always good. so today i am refocusing my life. i am trying to learn from the girl i was 4 years ago. thank you jerusalem journal. you were just what i needed. i think He knew that.