sometimes i go back

i woke up this morning and for a split second i was taken back. some how the sounds of the morning, my comfy bed, and the light in my room took me back a few summers. back to provo in 2008. it may seem funny. that wasn't too long ago. but it felt like a completely different life. for just a few mins i closed my eyes and pretended i was back there. it was a beautiful and exciting time of life for me. i had just finished my freshman year of collage. i was doing my dream job. flirty it up with way too many boys and enjoying girls nights with the besties. i was just 19. i was living the dream. 

life was simple. or at least it's easy to say that now. i knew what i was all about. i was living my dream and having the time of my life. my biggest worry was what date i was going to go on that weekend or what new tv series was i going to get caught up on. i was back and forth between home and provo. i had the best of both worlds. being with my family and friends that i had grown up with as well and spending time with my new friends and my new found college life. 

for those few mins i wanted to go back. so badly i wanted to be back in provo. to wake up and all i was worried about was what cute headband i was going to wear so that the "one boy" would notice. i closed my eyes, took a deep breath and finally got out of bed. 

..................

today i'm in chicago. i'm now 24 and living a life so completely different than i did when i was 19. but thats not a bad thing. even though it's easy to think that summer of 2008 was amazing and easy, being 19 wasn't awesome. i was so unsure about myself (though i wouldn't have admitted that then). i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life. life was ever changing. 

as i walked into my family room i looked around. this may not have been the life i planned out for myself. i may have never expected to move to chicago. or start a job and end up working from home. i never expected we would struggle with infertility and be just us for a lot longer than planned. no i didn't plan this. it was planned for me. 

but i think thats what makes it all the more beautiful. i struggle. just like everybody else. at times my struggles seem hard and unnecessary. i look around and see the beautiful lives of those around me and i question. but then i am reminded. i am reminded about the beauty in my own life. 

my sweet husband who is far more than i deserve. my incredible job that allows me to grow and expand my thinking. let alone allows me to work far away in chicago. my new city of chicago full of excitement and constant things to do. great distractions from the hard things in life. my friends both new and old who love me for me. my family who even though live far away still make me smile everyday. and of course my heavenly father. who loves me. and i have never been able to forget that. 

life may be harder now, as a 24 year old than it was as a 19 year old. but i can honestly say it's more beautiful. so if this is how life goes....the older you get the harder things get but the more beautiful it becomes as well....bring it on life. i think i'm ready. 

i'm ready to wake up in chicago. 

this was my profile picture from the summer of '08. i thought it was fitting for this post.