i've been so bad at blogging lately. for the past few weeks i've thought through countless blog posts. for some reason i have felt like if i write something real, meaningful and honest....it has to be deep and profound. that what ever i have to write has to inspire and uplift. at least when it comes to the whole infertility/miscarriage thing. i don't know why i've felt like this....but i have.
so that is why i haven't written. mostly because i feel like i don't have much to say that will inspire or uplift. i'm not saying what i write would do the opposite. it's just that at this point in our journey i feel like i'm still learning. i'm still growing. and still figuring out things as we go.
but today i want to write a little update. mostly for our incredible family and great friends who keep up with our little family through this blog.
this summer we experienced yet another miscarriage. at this point we hit the "something is wrong" point and the dr's started looking into things. it's hard for me to completely describe my feelings and emotions from losing yet another baby. there are some days i feel like i can wrap my head around it. others not so much. interestingly each pregnancy, each baby and each miscarriage has been so different.
the last couple of months have been draining. as we slowly try to find some problem to be fixed. they test us for one thing...we get our hopes up that we'll find what the problem is...test comes back normal or negative. at this point we've done about all the tests you can. according to our results we're normal. according to science we shouldn't be having issues. according to the dr.s it's just bad luck.
hearing that losing your babies is just "bad luck" isn't the best news. these past few years i've thought, no i've hoped, that there was something wrong. nothing huge, just something small. something to explain the why. explain why i can't get pregnant as easily as i would hope, or explain why when i do finally get pregnant i can't hold on to my babies past 12 weeks. i have prayed countless times that the dr.s could find something. and then fix it. something so that i could have a baby.
last week, after the worst test so far, we got the news that yet again i'm "normal". honestly i wasn't surprised. i had hoped, like all the others, that they would find something. but i wasn't surprised.
so now we join the large precent of couples dealing with unexplained infertility and recurrent miscarriage. it is a group i was hoping we wouldn't have to join.
luckily we're working with some of the best dr.s in the country. my sweet dr is incredible. she truly cares about us and wants badly for us to have a baby. i've never dealt with a more understanding dr. she is always concerned about me first, about how i am doing emotionally and not just physically. we are also looking forward to some more dr.'s appointments with one of the countries leading recurrent miscarriage specialists.
at this point we're not really expecting answers. but i'm hoping, in time, we can get better direction of next steps. there may not be something "wrong" or something that can be fixed. but i'm hoping to continue to learn more and press forward.
we are taking it one day at a time. for the first time in two years i'm content with where we are. i've come to terms with the fact that it may be a few more years before we're parents. we are loving this point in life. of course we wish we were parents. but honestly we're loving the "us" time. our weekly date nights, staying up late watching tv together, little weekend getaways, daily adventures and learning more about each other. we are choosing to enjoy the now. take advantage of this time in our lives.
i'm learning to trust in heavenly father more and trust in his plan for me. i'm learning more about his plan for our future children and my role in their lives. i'm learning to love more completely and trust more completely. i'm learning how to be a better daughter, sister, and wife. i'm learning how to be a mother.
i am so grateful for our incredible family and friends. each note, text and phone call means so much to me, to us. we feel all your prayers and faith in our behalf. to those completely strangers who reach out to us, pray for us and send their love....thank you.
i never expected to feel so loved, so watched over and so known during these past few years. i am humbled by the love we have received from so many.
i hope that in time i can find a way to repay the world for all the love we have been shown. i hope that i can be more kind, more caring, more in-tune. i pray that all we are learning, all that i am learning, will make me a better mother.
so for now we're happily living our adventure in chicago. thats our update.