a book goal for 2018

my goal setting has been a bit different this year. i'm working on a few different goals and i decided to do separate posts for each goal. one of my (hopefully) easiest goals is my book goal....

1. read "Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley"
I don't know much about marjorie pay hinckley. the few quotes of hers that I know make me love her instantly. I'm excited to learn more from this beautiful lady.

2. read 3 books with gwen
branching out from picture books i want to really start reading chapter books with her and to her!

3. finishing "Hamilton"
I got this for christmas and already love it. now I just need to finish it before I go see it in may

4. read 2 non-fiction books (1 parenting book)
it's time I up my parenting game. I'm hoping to find a book that will help

5. read 1 mystery book
I haven't read a good mystery book in years....this needs to change

6. read 1 church book
for some reason I really struggle reading lds books. I've started countless and never finish. this year I want to change that! 

i can't wait to start reading! my hope is that with this goal i'll be on my phone and computer less and in books more!

what kind of mother?

what kind of mother do i want to be?

this question has been on my mind for a while now. it's a hard one because i feel like the answer is constantly changing. as my babies grow their needs change. my role continues to change. i've only been a mother for just over 3 years now. that isn't long but i feel like i've had to be 30 different kinds of "mom" in those 3 years. 

when i look around with naive eyes i see a world that is dark, scary, full of evil and hate. instantly i want to take my two sweet pure babies and hide them away in the mountains where no one and nothing can touch us. 

but then i look again. and sometimes i have to really really look. but i see good. i see the sweet grandma riding her bike to deliver notes to neighbors and family. i see the sweet elementary kids walking home from school and saying nice things about the other kids. i see the other mom at the park, almost due with baby #3, in the sand with her kids making castles and houses for the pretend princesses. 

the world tries to tell me what kind of mother i should be. sometimes it's the mother that starts a business on the side and makes it big time. or other times is the mother that takes her kids to museums every other day. or the mother with the perfectly clean house and perfectly polished kids. and most of the time it's all of those at once. 

now don't get me wrong...none of those things are bad. on the contrary i think they all are great. 

but i've found that the most important thing about being a mother is my relationship with god. 

every time i question how i'm doing or what i should be doing the only answer i truly get is "come unto me". 

so what kind of mother do i want to be? yes i'll admit it, i want to be the fun mom. i want to be the smart mom who teachers her children about math, and science and art. i want to be the put together mom who can juggle errands and cleaning and play. i want to be the on hands and knees mom who plays with my kids, gets dirty with them, finger paints and laughs with them. i want to be the go to mom who knows how to answer any other mom's questions because i know it all. yes, i want to be that picture perfect instagram mom. 

but like most things in life we don't always get what we want. 

when i have this picture in my head of what kind of mother i should be i get disappointed. i've found it's physically and mentally impossible to be "that" mother. the one the world say i should be. or the one i've imagined in my head. 

so when i get disappointed or discouraged i hit my knees. i pray and pled to heavenly father for direction. and time after time i get the simple response "come unto me". 

so what kind of mother do i want to be? or more correctly what kind of mother do i need to be for my children?

the kind of mother that puts god first, above everything else. the kind of mother who chooses the right. who will fight for the good and for her family. the mother who studies the scriptures and pours her heart out to heavenly father. the mother who pleads each day for patience to mother with kindness and charity. the kind of mother who is soft spoken, and honest and trustworthy. the kind of mother who sees the good in the world. the kind of mother who shares the light and joy of the gospel to her babies. the kind of mother who is a disciple of christ. 

that is the kind of mother i want to be. the kind of mother i need to be. the kind of mother my father in heaven needs me to be. 

it may seem easy to say that is the kind of mother i need to be. but easier said then done. 

so how do i be that kind of mother?

come unto him.

that short and sweet answer that i keep getting over and over again. "come unto me".

so that is what i am going to work hard to do. each and every day. some days are better then others. but each day i am grateful for a new chance to try again. 

i am the kind of mother who strives each day to come unto him. and when i fail (which i do time and time again), because of him, i can  pick up and try again tomorrow. 

that is what kind of mother i want to be.

the deep tunnel of postpartum depression

the tunnel of postpartum depression is deep and it's dark. i honestly didn't realize i was lost in the tunnel until i was too far in to help myself out. 

i worried about postpartum depression with gwen. i actually was sure i would have to deal with it. but surprisingly to me  (and my mr.) just the opposite happened after i gave birth to gwen. i felt like a new person. so complete as a mom. i felt like i knew my purpose, i had confidence and energy and desire to go and do and show my sweet girl the world around me. 

then i had wells. the postpartum didn't hit right at first though. though i think that is typical. but then we moved, and spencer started residency, and we were remodeling our place, and living out of suitcases. and there i was, a mom of two. in a new city, new ward, new friends, new me....

last summer was rough. i cried almost every day. but i chalked it up to all the changes and the fact that i had a colicky baby. then wells grew out of the colic, and we moved into our place. but i still wasn't me. i was sad, angry, and depressed. it took everything in me to not turn the tv on all day for my kids and go hid in my room. but some days i didn't have the strength that i did just that...hid in my room while my two babies kept themselves entertained. and then when that would happen i'd cry and feel worse because i was being a horrible mom.

it was a long dark tunnel and i was spiraling further down. 

but i still couldn't admit i needed help. 

finally at the start of the year i knew i needed to make some changes. i thought i was depressed with my weight (which did actually make things worse). so i made some big changes, worked my butt off and lost all the baby weight i had been hanging on to since gwen was born...plus some!

for the first time in over a year i was proud of myself. and for the first time in a few years i felt confident being in pictures. but i was still depressed.

and it started to get worse. 

my social anxiety picked up big time. i felt insecure about everything, about what i wore, about what i said or didn't say. i felt like i didn't have any friends and i couldn't do anything about it. 

after a few weeks of waking up every morning just wanting to go back to sleep. a few weeks of crying every day. of not wanting to do anything except lay in my bed and watch tv. of not making dinner or cleaning or anything else i had once been good at doing....i knew i needed help.

so i went and got help. a good year after i should have gone in for help in the first place. 

honestly it breaks my heart realizing i could have prevented the last year from turning out how it did. but i guess i can't dwell on the past.

postpartum is real. i thought since i didn't struggle after gwen it wouldn't be an issue for me. but it was. and it is. 

i'm still working each day. i wake up each morning and remind myself that i love being a mother, that i am of worth, that i have purpose, and friends and love in my life. 

and each day that i do something different from last year i am proud of myself. like when i go to the park by myself with my kids and talk to a new person. or when i go out and take my kids swimming and i jump in with them i rejoice that i had fun being there with them! or when i make dinner for my family i try to enjoy every minute of it. 

i know i am still in the postpartum depression tunnel. but for the first time i can see a light at the end of it. i'm not sure how long it will take me to make it to the end of the tunnel but i am not giving up. for me, i am not giving in.   

it's finally all worth it!

FINALLY....having my husband be a pediatrician is worth it. yes folks all the years of school, studying, working, etc are now finally worth it.

is it the big paycheck?....haha yeah right not there yet
is it the awesome hours?....again yeah right. maybe one day

nope it was all thanks to the elephant kiss.

our darling sweet gwennie girl shoved a bead up her nose. honestly i have no idea how long it had been there. i noticed it finally late yesterday. i kept asking her what it was and all she would say was "heart" and "candy". we rushed home and i tried to pull it out with tweezers.

no such luck! gwen wouldn't stand for that.

the dang thing was pretty far up there. so i started texting friends to find out the closest urgent care. all ready to go pay $50 to have an urgent care doc pull whatever gwen had put up her nose i called spencer to see when he was getting home so he could watch wells.

he told me to wait and that there were a couple of tricks we could try first. one of them being the elephant kiss.

an elephant kiss basically means plugging the opposite nostril of the one that has the "heart" in it and then blowing super hard through the mouth to basically push air down through the nose and hopefully push whatever is stuck...out!

i figured i had nothing to lose so i'd try it.

oh my gosh it was hilarious! gwen loved it and i couldn't stop laughing. finally after the second try it worked. out popped a little orange bead from her "heart".

spencers reaction..."i'm so glad i already had my er rotation ha"

me too babe....me too!

so finally after all of these years my sweet mr's md degree is worth!