the deep tunnel of postpartum depression

the tunnel of postpartum depression is deep and it's dark. i honestly didn't realize i was lost in the tunnel until i was too far in to help myself out. 

i worried about postpartum depression with gwen. i actually was sure i would have to deal with it. but surprisingly to me  (and my mr.) just the opposite happened after i gave birth to gwen. i felt like a new person. so complete as a mom. i felt like i knew my purpose, i had confidence and energy and desire to go and do and show my sweet girl the world around me. 

then i had wells. the postpartum didn't hit right at first though. though i think that is typical. but then we moved, and spencer started residency, and we were remodeling our place, and living out of suitcases. and there i was, a mom of two. in a new city, new ward, new friends, new me....

last summer was rough. i cried almost every day. but i chalked it up to all the changes and the fact that i had a colicky baby. then wells grew out of the colic, and we moved into our place. but i still wasn't me. i was sad, angry, and depressed. it took everything in me to not turn the tv on all day for my kids and go hid in my room. but some days i didn't have the strength that i did just that...hid in my room while my two babies kept themselves entertained. and then when that would happen i'd cry and feel worse because i was being a horrible mom.

it was a long dark tunnel and i was spiraling further down. 

but i still couldn't admit i needed help. 

finally at the start of the year i knew i needed to make some changes. i thought i was depressed with my weight (which did actually make things worse). so i made some big changes, worked my butt off and lost all the baby weight i had been hanging on to since gwen was born...plus some!

for the first time in over a year i was proud of myself. and for the first time in a few years i felt confident being in pictures. but i was still depressed.

and it started to get worse. 

my social anxiety picked up big time. i felt insecure about everything, about what i wore, about what i said or didn't say. i felt like i didn't have any friends and i couldn't do anything about it. 

after a few weeks of waking up every morning just wanting to go back to sleep. a few weeks of crying every day. of not wanting to do anything except lay in my bed and watch tv. of not making dinner or cleaning or anything else i had once been good at doing....i knew i needed help.

so i went and got help. a good year after i should have gone in for help in the first place. 

honestly it breaks my heart realizing i could have prevented the last year from turning out how it did. but i guess i can't dwell on the past.

postpartum is real. i thought since i didn't struggle after gwen it wouldn't be an issue for me. but it was. and it is. 

i'm still working each day. i wake up each morning and remind myself that i love being a mother, that i am of worth, that i have purpose, and friends and love in my life. 

and each day that i do something different from last year i am proud of myself. like when i go to the park by myself with my kids and talk to a new person. or when i go out and take my kids swimming and i jump in with them i rejoice that i had fun being there with them! or when i make dinner for my family i try to enjoy every minute of it. 

i know i am still in the postpartum depression tunnel. but for the first time i can see a light at the end of it. i'm not sure how long it will take me to make it to the end of the tunnel but i am not giving up. for me, i am not giving in.