Friday, October 26, 2012

this is me.

i had the number for weeks
it was pinned to my cork board where i could see it
every day i almost called
but then i couldn't
finally i realized i needed to call
i picked up the phone
made the appointment
hung up
then i covered my face to try and fight back the tears
they came anyway

it has been a few months since the day i called and made our first appointment to visit the northwestern infertility clinic. it took me a bit longer to come to terms with the fact that we needed the appointment. yet, even after making the appointment it has taken me time to really come to terms with, and accept our situation. 

it has been hard for me to talk about it. it is a very personal and emotional thing. and some days i'm more willing to open up then others. but i have come to realize that as i open up about our struggle my heart opens up as well. i find that as i talk to those close to me about infertility i am greeted with love, support and added faith. it is this love and support that has helped us continue to stay strong. 

i have wanted to be a mother for as long as i can remember. in my life plan i got married to my handsome prince (check), enjoyed newlywed bliss (check) and soon after started a family. and yet, it seems my dream of being a mother has been delayed. 

when reality set in that my dream was probably further away than i expected i experienced every emotion. i still regularly go through the emotions, sadness, anger, tired to the point of giving up. there have been times where i have felt so completely broken, that i can't possibly keep a hold of my dream. 

in those darkest moments though i have felt the comforting warmth of the spirit. i have felt the love of my heavenly father. when i can't do it on my own he has stepped in. 

there is no doubt in my mind that i will be a mother. there is no doubt that my heavenly father has a plan for me and my sweet husband. though i am being tested, i am also being blessed. 

i am grateful for the tender mercies of a loving god. those new friends who have been placed into my life and somehow know just what to say. those who understand me so completely. those who have the same struggles and hurt just as i do and yet can lift me up. 

so this is me. 
this is my reality. this is my life plan. and though it may not be what i would have chosen, it is what the lord has in store for me. so on the days when all i want to do is cry, i smile and know that though i struggle, i am loved. i smile and let my sweet husband hold me and give me strength.  i smile and know that my dream of being a mother will come true...

one day.

today i am smiling! 


50 comments:

  1. Hi Sydney, I don't know if you remember me from our modern dance class at BYU many years ago, but I have loved following your blog. I want you to know I think you are so strong and such a great example of a how to honor and embrace womanhood!! You will be a mother one day and you will be an amazing one at that! Also, my husband and I will be moving to Chicago for an internship this summer. I have loved following your adventures in a city I soon will be embracing too!

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  2. you are an amazing example. because of some of my own health problems this is actually a big fear of mine but you're handling everything with such grace and faith that it's completely inspiring. i'm so glad you're finding that you can smile and be thankful through it all. you're amazing.

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    1. bethany! thank you for your sweet comment. this meant so much to me. you are a great example of love!

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  3. This is a very tender post. Thank you for being courageous in sharing this! I am certain there are many people out there who need to read about your bravery!

    thank you.

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    1. sarah jane! thanks so much for your kind comment. sometimes i don't feel so courageous but i'm trying! thanks again for your love and support

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  4. We love you guys so much and you are always in our prayers. I have been so impressed with your strenght and attitude througout this very difficult process and can't wait till things all come together because you will be amazing parents. Love you and miss you!

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  5. Sydney, what a trial to be faced with. I cannot begin to imagine the range of emotions you must go through daily. What an inspiring post. I hope to glean from your faith and strength as we get to know each other better. It is so hard to wait for the Lord's timing in life, but I agree with you completely. You will be a mother some day and you will be a fabulous one when that day arrives.

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  6. Beautifully written. Many women will be blessed for reading this post, especially me! Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Love you syd! I remember thinking it may be something you struggled with based on a post a while ago- you and me there together for a while. My thoughts and prayers are with you- the Lord has a plan, and as hard as it is to have the patience required, he is SO mindful of your situation, fears, and tears.

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    1. hey cute girl! thanks for your sweet message. i am beyond excited for you. i hope everything is going well with your pregnancy!

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  8. What an incredibly challenging trial. I am sure you feel as if your plan was exactly what Heavenly Father desires for us, to be mothers and to not wait. I can not imagine the pain and heartache you are going through and I tip my hat to you for never showing even an ounce of sorrow or struggle. You are inspiring to me. The beauty is that there is so much hope even through right now it stinks. I look at all the women in our ward and that there are a few that I am aware of who have found help with their inferfility. You without a doubt be a great mom and I have faith that it will come and be a joy for you always. Love you.

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    1. okay first can i say how incredibly sweet you are! spence and i were talking the other day of how selfless and kind you are to everyone! thank you for your tender comment. you are the sweetest. i hope you are feeling better!

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  9. Syd - I love you. This is a HUG. A virtual HUG. But a hug none-the-less. By the way, we still to ichat, or skype, or chat, or whatever.

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    1. that hug was just what i needed! and i think i need my friend asap. when can you ichat?

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  10. Syd - I love you. This is a HUG. A virtual HUG. But a hug none-the-less. By the way, we still need to ichat, skype, or something soon.

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  11. Hey hun I feel so lucky to have you as a friend here in Chicago. Thanks for sharing this. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I've had several close friends deal with infertility too and so I've seen how hard it can be and how strong of a person it takes. Don't give up! You will be a wonderful mother. Thank you for being such a sweetheart and great friend.

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  12. Love you Syd! Thank you for sharing such a big part of your life with us all. Prayers of comfort and strength coming your way. Remember that you are an amazing person!

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    1. bianca! thank you so much for your prayers, you have no idea how much that means to me! you are such a great friend and example to me! loves.

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  13. Hey hun I feel so lucky to have you as a friend here in Chicago. Thanks for sharing this. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I've had several close friends deal with infertility too and so I've seen how hard it can be and how strong of a person it takes. Don't give up! You will be a wonderful mother. Thank you for being such a sweetheart and great friend.

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    1. jessie! thank you so much for your sweet comment. i am so glad that i have you as my friend! let's get together soon okay!

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  14. You are so strong. You can do anything you put your mind to. I love to so much and am so proud of you. This post brought tears to my eyes. Your amazing love you and as always let us know if you need ANYTHING-

    Love you SIS

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  15. Such a brave thing to write about, Syd. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure all of our extra prayers on your behalf will help the cause :)

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    1. thanks so much for your sweet comment kae! that meant so much to me. also, i am loving all your instagram pictures of the little one. she is beautiful! thanks again

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  16. hey sydney! i love reading your blog and watching your guys' adventures unfold. you are so brave for opening up... i like to keep my blog nice and fluffy. ;) but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and when the time comes you will be such a fun mom!

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    1. nichole! thank you so much for your sweet comment! i probably should keep my blog more fluffy...haha! thank you for your prayers, you have no idea how much that means to me!

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  17. Hi Sydney,
    The intro of you post really captured my attention then WHAM I wasn't expecting that. After reading the post about your cute niece and seeing how much fun you and Spencer had with her I was going to ask you when you wanted to start a family. I'm glad you shared this personal struggle because you're such an encouragement to your followers, myself included.

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    1. priscilla! thank you so much for your kind comment. haha we do have fun with our niece, hopefully we will be having fun with our own little ones soon! you are so sweet!

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  18. You are so cute! Thanks so much for sharing this with us. You are amazing and you know that you are a mother! That word means so many things and you will be a mother to your children. Thank you again for sharing this.

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    1. aimee! thanks so much for your comment, that meant so much to me! the word mother really does mean so many things, i'm grateful that i can still be somewhat of a mother to the little kids around me! how are you guys doing? where are you at now? how is the life of a med school wife for you?

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  19. This is really brave of you to share something so personal, Syd. Thank you for doing so, because I think this is a lot more common than we think and when people like you share their story it builds a community for those also struggling. I have some friends who have been trying for a long time and just started with a fertility specialist and have gotten a lot of questions answered and issues resolved and things are progressing for them. I'm hoping you have a similar experience. I will be thinking about you!

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  20. I admire you for sharing with others about your struggle. It is a hard thing to go through but it's always nice to know you're not alone! The more I open up with others about my infertility experience, the more I realize how many others have gone through (or are going through) similar trials. I admire how positive and hopeful you are! You will be a great mom!

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    1. you know you have been a huge blessing for me! if anything just having a best friend out here but you have helped me look at infertility with a braver face! we sure love you guys!

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  21. Your mommy loves you more than most!! : )

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  22. I don't think you know me. I'm a friend of Stephanie Purcell's. Just thought I would let you know how brave and wonderful I think you are. It is SUCH a hard thing to post this! I hope you are not alone. I already just love you. You express yourself beautifully. Prayers will be headed your way from our corner of the world.

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  23. Oh Syd, this is such a beautifully written post! I admire you so much for your courage in sharing this! I'm thinking about you and hope things start looking up for you and Spencer soon! I love your reading your blog and everything that you share on here. You are such an inspiration in so many things!! :)

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    1. hey cute girl! thanks for your comment. that meant so much to me! you are such a great example to me, miss beautiful momma! i am so impressed with you and how on top of everything you always are. i still can't get over how beautiful your kids are (kids...seriously multiple...how old are we now???). miss you and hope you guys are doing great in texas!

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  24. Syd- I have struggled with infertility and have done EVERY fertility treatment you can think of. It is such a hard thing to go through and it really helps if you have someone to talk to or ask questions. Please email me if you have any questions about anything or just need someone to talk to!
    XO,
    Whitney

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    1. okay so i may need to chat with you! you have no idea how many questions i have running through my head! you are so sweet!

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  25. Such a brave post! I love that picture of you at the end. You guys are always in our prayers and we can't wait for little S&S cousins for our kids. There is nothing harder than when your plans don't line up with Heavenly Father's plans for you, but you guys are great examples of faith and optimism. We love you and miss having you close!

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    1. I love you too! And miss your face. Come visit me please!

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  27. So sorry to hear about these struggles Syd. Breaks my heart!! Sending all kinds of prayers, hugs and love your way!

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    1. dani! you are so sweet. thanks for your comment cute girl! we need all the love and prayers we can get!

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  28. Boy is life hard sometimes! I'm so sorry you are having this challenge right now. I know a bit about life not going as you planned it, and because of that I know that you will be happy, as you said, on the Lord's timetable. Hang in there Sydney!! I am excited for the day when this trial is behind you and you are holding your beautiful baby in your arms--because I know that day will come. Love, Julie

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    1. julie! thank you for your comment. life is really hard sometimes but i guess that is just life. i'm super grateful that even though it is hard i have so much to be happy for! you are so sweet! i love keeping up with you guys through blogs and instagram! some of my best memories growing up involve your beautiful family! loves!

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  29. I'll be thinking and praying for you guys.

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  30. Love you so much Syd. It's been way too long since we've caught up, but I still feel like you're one of my dearest friends. I'm so sorry you have to go through this trial. Many prayers your way girl.

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  31. Love you so much Syd. It's been way too long since we've caught up, but I still consider you one of my dearest friends (I guess that's what Jeru does to you). I am so sorry this is one of your trials. I'm praying for ya, girl. Love ya.

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  32. Hey Sydney! Based on your testimony on Sunday, I had a feeling you guys might be facing something like this, so I blog stalked you and found your post here. I'm so sorry! Infertility is such an emotional ride. We had some trouble getting Cason here, it took a lot longer than I wanted it to. Looking back, I can see so many blessings, although I never thought I would say that. If you ever what to chat or ask questions I'd love to talk!

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